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Dear Doc,
People in Michigan point to
their hands to show where they live. Do people in Louisiana point
to their boot?
Curious,
Ket Makura
Dear Ket Makura,
Yes, Louisiana people do point to their boot, as do people from Italy. I'll give you two guesses where
people from Florida point...
DCF
Clay,
You have made me very upset. First
you don't accept the invitation, then you don't call, and then
you call me a pedophile.
Do call me, and I'll make arrangements for you to come to my ranch and we can have cookies
and warm milk while we discuss what needs to be discussed in my hot air balloon. Then you can join me for my weekly touch-up
on my nose from my in-house plastic surgeon. We would look so cute together with matching noses.
Let me know what
you think and give me a call at 1-(900)-SPANKED.
Lonely in Cal,
Michael Jackson
Dear Michael,
Please, for the love of Gawd, quit propositioning me. You're a frightening, plastic-headed golem, and your children
should be taken into protective custody, if for no other reason than your bizarre activities and belief that you can fly.
Any more of these harrassing e-mails and I'll be forced to get my lawyer involved. You don't want that. He's
too old for you.
DCF
Dear Doc,
I was at Guitar Center yesterday, and for fun I tried out a Squier Bullet Strat Special, to be exact - the
one with one humbucker, one volume, ect.
Anyway, I really liked the guitar, and it's only $99. I want to know, should I buy it? I really liked the
sound, but I'm afraid it might not be as reliable because of the price.
Signed,
Growl60
Dear Growl60,
Hey, man... Don't let the price bother you. Look at the OLP guitars; they're cheap and they sound
great.
I haven't played one of the Bullet Specials, but I do have a regular Bullet (standard Strat setup, but with a thinner
body and a hardtail bridge), and I think they're a great little guitar for the money.
Let me say, however, that if you plan on modding it - putting a Floyd Rose on it, f'rinstance - you need to make sure
that the body is thick enough. The Bullet I have isn't thick enough even for a standard "vintage" tremolo.
But really, Growl... Do you want to buy a guitar now? So close to Christmas? What'll Santa think?
DCF
Dear Doc,
Is there an over-the-counter medication that does what Proscar does??
Thank you,
Joe Blow
Dear Joe Blow,
First, for those who have no idea what Proscar is, here's a brief description, taken from the company's website:
PROSCAR is a medication that helps shrink the prostate in many men. This can lead to improvement
of symptoms. You may need to take PROSCAR for 6 months or more to see whether it improves your symptoms. PROSCAR has
been shown to reduce the risk of a sudden inability to pass urine, referred to as acute urinary retention, and the need for
surgery—potential long-term serious consequences of benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH).
Anyhow, in my experience, the only thing that will help decrease the likelihood of an inability to pass urine is beer,
and lots of it. And while you have to be 21 to purchase it, it can still be bought legally over the counter.
So, drink up!
DCF
Dr. F.,
I am a basement dwelling computer nerd who has a sadistic hobby of watching
really bad movies in the hope
of finding the worst film ever made. But that's not my problem.
The problem is this: How do I tell the people I work with that, even though I can just about put up with them
for 8 hours a day, I really have no intention, wish, desire, inkling, notion, or urge to spend any more time with them than
I have to?
They keep asking me to go out for a beer, or a movie, or something else that would mean spending more time with
them! Isn't 8 hours enough?
Pushing the button,
Millennium hand and shrimp
Dear Millenium hand and shrimp,
Oh, how I know your pain.
I have spent quite a bit of time wondering the same thing. I mean, it's not that I don't like
my co-workers - some of them are great folks. The problem for me is, they always want to go to the bar, and since I
don't drink, I can't help but think that the only reason I'm being invited is because they need a designated driver.
I'm sure that this isn't the only reason, but it's how I feel.
That aside, I absolutely despise being the only sober person in the group, watching everyone else get sloppy drunk and
saying stupid things. So, even when I'm not the "DD", I still feel like I'm being forced to "babysit" these people.
This isn't any fun.
So here's what I do: I tell them no. When they get persistent, I tell them why I said no. That usually shuts
them up. If they keep at me, I usually run in to the men's room, huddle in the corner with the lights off, and whimper until
they go away.
In your case, it's clear that you're not a big fan of these people. With that in mind, I'd suggest just telling
them the flat-out truth. When they ask you to go hang out with them, say, "Look, I can just about put up with you
for 8 hours a day, and I really have no intention, wish, desire, inkling, notion, or urge to spend any more time with you
than I have to." And then you punch them in the throat and run away, screeching like a frightened toddler. This
may not exactly make you very popular with them, but I can guarantee that they won't ask you after this happens a few times.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Will you remember me when you're rich and famous?
Signed,
Bobbie
Dear Bobbie,
And you would be...?
Kidding! I'm kidding! First off, I can't imagine how I would ever become famous. And if I did, it would
be because of people like yourself and the support you all give me in my various ventures and goofy ideas. (C'mon, admit
it...you and I both know that they're goofy.) Because of that, I can't imagine any situation where I would forget anyone
who has contacted me and supported me in the things I do.
And so, because this is long overdue, I want to thank all of you who keep checking back here and sending in questions,
no matter how sporadic my updates are. You guys are the ones who make it worth doing.
DCF
Dear Doc,
I am asking you this here because I don't want certain other people to know that I don't know what this is.
What is Gorilla Snot and what is it used for? I saw it in a music store and have been wondering what it is.
Thanks,
Tracy in Pa.
Dear Tracy in Pa.,
Gorilla Snot is a product designed for people who sweat excessively while playing guitar, thereby making it difficult
for them to hold onto their guitar picks. (I suspect the late comedian Sam Kinison was the prime motivator behind
this - he was a helluva guitarist, but he would sweat like Roger Ebert at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet.)
A small dab applied to the fingertips that hold your pick would ensure that you would not drop your pick until you were
ready to.
A slightly larger amount would guarantee that anything you touched would stick to you until you could pry it off with
a rusty screwdriver when you got home.
A fifty-gallon drum would be incredibly stupid to have around, as the probability of being stuck to a wall one weekend
when nobody's home is entirely too high, so I should avoid that if I were you.
The ingredients of Gorilla Snot are, for the most part, a mystery, unless of course you take the time to read the label,
but I'm far too busy for that sort of thing. So I'll take a wild stab and assume that it's actual nasal mucus from silverback
gorillas, collected during tour group visits to the various groups located around the Verunga Volcano area of Africa.
I could, however, be completely wrong, but we shouldn't dwell on that sort of thing.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Don't you think it's time we find out who the President of the US really is? Coz it sure as heck can't
be this Bush guy -- not really. I mean, I loathed Clinton as a human being, but he was way more presidential than this
puppet.
Come on, joke's over -- who's the real president? Any ideas?
Bobbie in Gettysburg, PA
Dear Bobbie in Gettysburg, PA,
Well, it depends on who you ask. If you ask the people who voted, then Bush was never actually president.
As most people know, in the 2000 election, Al Gore won the popular vote, although Bush and his cronies - including Bush's
brother Jeb, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, and the ever-popular Karl Rove - did everything they could to keep
it from happening, including having Bush's cousin, who was running the news desk at Fox News, call the state in Dubya's favor,
although the votes hadn't been fully counted. Unfortunately for them, this didn't work, so they did the next best thing:
The asked the United States Supreme Court to decide that Bush was president, bypassing the choice of a majority of Americans.
And in the 2004 elections, it turns out that John Kerry also won the popular vote in the pivotal state of Ohio, although
Bush & Company were up to their old tricks again. Thousands of votes - most of them belonging to minorities - were
disregarded, and minorities traditionally vote Democratic. Had all the votes been allowed to be counted in both case,
not only would we not have a C-average Yale student in the White House, we probably wouldn't have soldiers - American citizens
- dying in a country on the other side of the world simply because Dubya has a hard-on to get even with the guy who made his
Poppy look bad, while totally disregarding the guy who orchestrated an attack against out country that killed close to 3,000
people roughly four years ago.
So, there you have it. Our last two real presidents were Al Gore and John Kerry.
As to your suggestion that Bill Clinton was a mortally loathsome individual, I don't think too many people will argue
with you. I wouldn't trust him in a room with my 16-year old daughter, that's for sure.
However, perverted and sex-crazed though he may be, Clinton did actually oversee the balancing of the budget, leaving
a surplus for the first time in decades. He was a helluva leader, and I don't really care if he was out behind
the White House buggering sheep all night long, just so long as he got up in the morning and did his job.
His wife, who may also be crazy because she stayed with him after it came out that he was sharing cigars with an intern,
is probably going to run for president in the next election, and I'm going to vote for her, too, so long as, like her husband
did, she gets up and does her job every morning. I suggest you do it, too, unless you want another loony in the White
House.
(Rumor has it that John McCain will run in the next election on the Republican ticket. He's tight with Bush now,
but during the 2000 election, Bush suggested McCain was mentally unstable because of time he spent in a POW camp. Amazing
how things change, isn't it?)
DCF
Clay,
You are upsetting me. You have not returned my invitation for my sleepover. We can have warm milk and cookies
and go up in the hot air balloon. We can do all that in 45-minute intervals.
Do call me at (XXX) XXX-XXXX. (Edited because it's just plain creepy.)
Signed,
Michael Jackson
Dear Michael Jackson,
Actually, I did answer your invitation. To save you the time of scrolling around and searching for it
(one hand can only do so much at once), let me state it right here, in great big letters so you won't miss it this time...
NO FRIGGIN' WAY, YOU FREAKISH
(alleged)
PEDOPHILE.
Nothing personal, mind you. It's just that I find you intensely weird, and I'm too old for your liking. I
have body hair.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Could you explain why man have a fasination with duct tape?
Men think they can fix everything with duct tape. The other day my
husband went to work with it covering
all the holes in his pants. Why not have them mended instead? I just
don't understand it.
Or is one of those men things that us women will never understand?
Seeing duct tape everywhere,
Vanhalenchick
Dear Vanhalenchick,
Short answer (stolen from the signature of another www.EddieVanHalen.com member and my good friend Anthony Biberston): "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a Dark Side and a Light Side,
and it binds the galaxy together."
Long (and overly ridiculous answer): Way back in the mists of time, duct tape was
used, surprisingly enough, to seal
ductwork. (Who'da thunk it?) Since then, however, its incredible value has
been even further realized. Got
a cracked dashboard? No problem! And the empty roll makes a great cup holder
when taped to the dash! Outside
fo the car rusted? Just stick some tape over the rust and paint it to match the
car! Hole in your work boot?
Just wrap a few layers of duct tape around it and it'll be almost waterproof!
The applications are limitless. Heck, it's the cheapest wallpaper you'll ever
find, and two layers stuck back-to-back
make a fantastic shower curtain! For further suggestions, go here:
and here:
Check 'em out! You won't regret it!
As for why we (that is to say, we guys) do this, it's because we feel an
urge to work our tools into our everyday
lives. (And yes, duct tape is a tool.) Oh, anyone can go into the
garage and fix some stuff, but how
many women do you know that are willing to side their entire house with the lovely silver
aura of several thousand rolls of
duct tape?
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why are there so many stupid people?
Fed Up,
Ket Makura
Dear Ket Makura,
A good question. Unfortunately, it's not an easy one to answer.
You see, there are many theories about why the smart people (i.e., you and me and
a few chosen others) are vastly outnumbered
by...well, let's call them the "less-than-gifted"... Sadly, most of those theories
have been put forward by these mouth-breathers
who are, in fact, the problem.
So...let's have a look at my theory.
Again, as I've mentioned before, Nature has a way of keeping things evened out.
If there are too many of us, there
will be problems. I call this my "Too Many Cooks Theory of Higher Intelligence"™©®.
You see, if there were, say, five intelligent humans out of every eight, instead
of the current ratio (I believe it's
about one in every 2,648), there wouldn't be enough people out there to implement our
brilliant ideas. Instead, nothing
would be accomplished because we would be too busy coming up with even more brilliant
ideas.
This leads to another theory of mine - the "Worker Ant Theory of Human Intelligence"™©®
- which states that the
reasoning behind there only being one queen ant in every andhill is because somebody's
got to get the unimportant work done.
(Building stuff, etc.) If this didn't happen, we'd be a bunch of really smart people
still living in trees, and where
would I put my computer then?
DCF™©®
Dear Doc,
When you say that, "Women, I have noticed (and mentioned here and anywhere
else anyone will listen to me), are
flat-out, full-blown, completely and totally insane," you forgot to say "every woman except
my friend Bobbie who lives in
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania."
That's what you meant to say.
Right?
Signed,
Bobbie
Doc's Friend In Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Dear Bobbie,
Er... Yeah. That's what I meant to say... Uh... Look over
there! Something shiny!
DCF
Dear Doc.
I
do phone surveys, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is imagining there
is a giant "Smite" button on my desk, and pushing it will fry the moron I am talking with
on the phone. Does this make me
a bad person?
Worried,
Ket Makura
Dear Ket Makura,
A bad person? Sweet lord, no! I would kill for a "Smite" button
on my desk. And,
having worked in a market research company myself, I've also spent my share of time on
the phones, hoping and praying that
the mouth-breather I'm talking to will keel over in the middle of the survey so I don't
have to listen to his (or her) mindless
blathering. I also spend a lot of time hoping the radiation from my computer monitor
isn't making me sterile, although
there are plenty of people who wish it already had.
Anyway, don't worry about it at all. And here's something else to consider:
Instead of a "Smite" button, why not
consider that there's a button to push that will cause a giant hammer to come out of nowhere
and bash them on the head when
they get off-topic and start rambling about how they think their cat is secretly working
for the CIA? Better still,
how about just a "fast-forward" button, so you can press it and get right to the end of
the survey? Wouldn't that be
cool?
Oh, and as I said, there's no reason to feel bad about it. No matter what they
tell you, the only thing you probably
interrupted was them downloading illegal porn to masturbate to.
DCF
Dear Doc,
I have a few questions. I hope you have time to answer them all,
as I
really need the answers.
1.
What has become of your towel?
2. What is wrong with Tom Cruise?
3. Taste great or less filling?
I feel better just asking knowing
I will feel enlightened when you answer.
Signed,
loveevhsince79
Dear loveevhsince79,
First off, thanks for taking an interest! To answer your questions:
1. It is exactly six feet away from me, folded up on top of my amp, and waiting to
be framed. I haven't had the
time or the money to get it done, but soon...
2. Tom Cruise? What isn't wrong with that guy? Oh, sure; he's
been hooked up with some of the hottest
women in Hollywood, but he's also managed to let them slip through his fingers.
His latest conquest, Katie Holmes, won't
last long.
Personally, I think the cause of most of his problems is his weird devotion (like
so many other loonies in Hollywood)
to Scientology. What is up with that? For crying out loud, people; L. Ron
Hubbard was a SCIENCE FICTION WRITER.
He got paid a lot of money to make stuff up, and all of you yahoos bought into it and
decided to believe him, and even started
a freakin' religion based around his writings! Of course, I'd be lying if I said
this sort of thing surprises me.
I mean, these are people in the same state that voted a very bad actor into office as
governor. At least the people
of Minnesota were smart enough to elect Jessie Ventura, who was also a bad actor, but
very entertaining.
3. It's less filling, and it tastes great!
So, there you have it. A towel update, a brief diatribe about some religious
wackos, and an answer to an age-old
question. What more could you ask for?
DCF
Dear Doc,
What is the problem with EVERY woman I meet?
If they are not married, they are a bit hard on the bottle, or a combination
of both . It is rather frustrating.....
Pleeez
help me out!
Signed,
Painkiller
Dear Painkiller,
Wow... Did you ask the wrong guy! I've been married and divorced
twice, so I would think it's pretty
obvious that I'm not particularly good at this whole "finding-the-right-woman" thing.
With that in mind, here goes nothing.
Women, I have noticed (and mentioned here and anywhere else anyone will listen to
me), are flat-out, full-blown, completely
and totally insane.
Now, you, Painkiller, are probably sitting there thinking to yourself, "Wow, he's
going to piss off a lot of women by
saying that," but I'll let you in on yet another secret: They know I'm right. And
most of them are pretty proud
of it. Ladies, back me up here.
Personally, if I were completely bat-shit crazy, I'd be pretty enthusiastic about
it, too. I'd go around with my
underwear on my head, mumbling at passing traffic, and occasionally stopping to yell at
a tree. It certainly beats the
heck out of this perceived "sanity" that I supposedly possess. Now I'm expected
to "work" and "pay taxes" and "be responsible".
That's a lot of pressure.
Anyway, getting back to crazy women... They handle their insanity a little
bit differently than I would.
Rarely, if ever, are they seen with their underwear on their heads (except at "special"
exclusive parties), and they don't
scream at traffic or trees that much.
Instead, they choose to use it to make guys like you and me crazy on their behalf.
They do this by changing their
minds at the last minute, taking an hour and a half to decide on which pair of identical
black shoes would go best with their
new dress (only to change their minds at least three times about the shoes, the dress,
and whether the place they are going
to is worth getting dressed up for in the first place, or even if they want to go there),
and making us hold their purses
and stand by the changing rooms as they try on four hundred identical outfits.
Now, to be fair (hopefully to avoid angry e-mails from female readers), men have
their own brand of crazy, too.
We treat our remote controls and grills as though they are the keys to our kingdoms.
We get angry if someone in the
car changes the station without asking. We stubbornly insist that it really doesn't
make a bit of difference
which way the toilet paper comes off the roll. And let's not even get in to the
whole toilet seat thing.
But the important thing to remember is, WOMEN HAVE MADE US CRAZY ENOUGH
TO DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Are you still alive?
Signed,
Panic-stricken in PA
Dear Panic-stricken in PA,
Yeah, I'm still alive (much to the chagrin of at least one ex-wife and a few former
bandmates). I've just been
ridiculously busy lately, with two bands and two actual jobs, so I'm not able to get here
to add new questions as often as
I'd like. However, I'm still reading every question I get, and I post replies whenever
I get the chance.
So take heart! At least I'm staying busy!
DCF
Dear Doc,
As you know, I've been playing guitar for about seven months, and I'm
not very good yet.
To improve my guitar playing, I bought an instructional DVD that came with
an instructional booklet. I
will admit that part of the reason for buying this was that it had Eddie Van Halen on
the cover of the booklet.
Anyways, I was watching the DVD and it got to barre chords. After a lot of
practicing, I still cant play them
right. There's almost always a dead string somewhere in there, and on top of that
my hand hurts a lot now.
So, my question to you is: Is it possible that I'm just not capable of playing
barre chords? And do you have
any tips that might help me out here?
Thanks for your time!
Signed,
Bobo
Dear Bobo,
Not to worry. When I first started playing, it took some time before I could
fret a chord without getting dead
notes. What you need to do is build up callouses on your fingertips, and strengthen
the muscles in your fingers.
Building your callouses can be done several different ways, so it's best to figure
out which was works best for you.
I can, however, offer a few suggestions.
1. Use some sandpaper to rough up your finger tips. HOWEVER, it is vitally
important that you do not
use a belt sander to do this. Trust me. I found out the hard way. You
don't want to end up with Tony Iommi-style
half-fingers.
2. Get a table tennis paddle and just drum your fingers on it. this is how
I did it, and now I can punch holes
in a plaster wall with my fingertips.
3. Join "The Band of the Hand", if you catch my meaning. Not only will it build
your callouses, it will also increase
strength in your fingers and upper arm. If you don't catch my meaning...er...nevermind.
Stick to the
first two.
The best advice I can offer as far as building finger strength is, well, just keep
practicing. You may have to
press harder on the fretboard for now, but you will eventually build up enough strength
where you won't even realize that
you're hardly touching the fretboard at all.
Good luck!
DCF
Dear Doc,
It's ukvhfan from www.eddievanhalen.com... If and when you get chance, could you post some pics of your Mean Street Intruder(s)?
I can't find any decent pics of them anywhere on the net, and I
have read from your posts that you
have (or had) some in your collection.
Cheers (in anticipation)!
Peace!
ukvhfan
Dear ukvhfan,
Of course! For the record, I only have one (for the time being), but it is
by far the best guitar I have ever owned,
especially for the money that I paid for it. Mitch's prices are incredibly reasonable.
Anyway, here are the pics:
|
| I installed the D-tuna myself... |
So, there you have
it. Sorry the pics aren't exactly perfect quality - my camera is a little cheapo job, but it
gets the job done. (More or less.)
DCF
Dear Doc,
Paper or plastic?
Hugs!
Bobbie
Dear Bobbie,
Paper, without a doubt. I mean, everyone knows that plastic just doesn't biodegrade
worth a darn. And Mother
Nature can only take so much of that kind of thing. I mean, one of these days, she's
going to snap, and I sincerely
hope I'm not around when she does...
Oh yeah... And hugs back atcha!
DCF
Dear Doc,
I thought I would try a harder one this time.
Why are chicks fond of those reality shows? I don't know, but I find
them boring, with a bunch of bleached
blondes of both sexes being plain stupid. Am I out of this planet or am just bored
with it? Or is something
so wrong with me that I need a two-hour VH cure?
The impatiently waiting, sleepless, worried Painkiller
Dear Painkiller,
"Reality television" is an oxymoron. There's no such thing.
The problem isn't you. The problem is the people who actually watch this crap.
They are mindless sheep who
willingly eat this garbage and convince themselves that it's fillet mignon.
And the networks just keep scooping
turd after turd onto their plates while the sheep squeal with delight and chow down.
I do not, however, agree with the idea that it is just women who watch this tripe.
Guys are just as guilty, although
they have the decency to deny it when asked. But the bottom line is, it's all crap.
And it's just going to keep
coming if we keep lining up with our knives, forks and bibs. There's even talk of
a cable channel dedicated to these
shows. The upside here is that it might get them off the networks. Then, maybe
the executives in charge of programming
can try to use those worthless lumps inside their skulls to create intelligent programs,
but I won't hold my breath.
I have no use for it. There's more than enough reality for everyone.
There's no need to hang on every single moment
of someone else's.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why do Mondays really suck?
Signed,
Painkiller
Dear Painkiller,
I really don't have too much of a problem with Mondays, other than knowing as soon
as I wake up exactly how far away
the start of the next weekend is. Calculating that exact time - almost to the minute
- is the first thing I do on Monday
mornings, right after my initial scream of the day. (Always start your day with
a terrified scream; this will ensure
that the day can't do anything but improve.)
Monday is traditionally also the day that you get to work and find out that everything
you did before you left for the
weekend last Friday is wrong, and you have to do it all over again. And it has to
be on your boss' desk before you go
to lunch. In triplicate. With an additional Latin translation, should any
ancient philosophers happen to stop
by the office. (It never happens, but this is the way upper management thinks.)
If none of these things is the cause for you, I'd suggest giving yourself a thorough
examination. You might turn
out to be an overweight orange cat that loves lasagna, but hates cute kittens, spiders,
and the stupid dog you live with.
Good luck on that.
DCF
Dear Doc,
What can you say about the clandestine "New Zealand" Operation (NZ-reddogoneniner)?
I understand if you are bound
by code on this one.
Signed,
Amerturk
Dear Amerturk,
After extensive study (a solid five minutes of searching the web), I've come to the
conclusion that I have no idea what
the hell you're talking about. However, this sort of thing has never stopped me
before, so I'm determined not to let
it this time, either.
The only "official" reference I could find to "New Zealand Operation" concerns animal
rights, and the attempt to shut
down the Huntingdon Life Sciences animal testing lab. Apparently, they kill somewhere
around 500 animals per week, including
beagles, rabbits and monkeys. This organization - Wellington Animal Action - staged
some sort of protest involving whistles
and noisemakers - sort of like a New Years Eve party, but without the champagne.
There's no further information as to
whether anyone showed up.
AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW... Help me! So
pumping me for further information
about some obviously made-up "NZ-reddogoneniner" is pointless. They're reading this as
I type it! Get help! I don't know where people get these
silly ideas. Oh,
God! They're getting out the thumb screws again! It just
goes to show that there's all kinds
of loonies out there. Arrrrgh! The pain!
DCF
Hi, Doc,
It's me - BeN. I've got two questions this time, if it's
okay with you.
1. Why does everybody but me like the show "One Tree Hill"? Everybody
at my school kept talking about
it, and it drives me nuts that I'm the only one that finds that show totally stupid.
Is the problem with me? Or
is it everyone else?
2. This is a return to my very first question about not being able
to get a job and all. Well, I
finaly got a job, and although everything is okay with it, I have decided to quit. I
felt at times that I
was losing my soul by trying to rip people off.
My job was being a telemarketer. The pay was good, but I just
didn't feel right doing it. I
was able to stay two weeks, and I just quit yesterday because I couldn't
take it anymore. Ripping off
senior citizens and people with no money in the U.S. - you know, mentally, I
couldn't take it anymore, although
my job was legal and we did not do anything illegal.
The only bad thing we did was manipulating people. The way we
were told to talk would psychologically
confuse some people, and I hated to do that. Did I do the right thing
by quitting?
Signed,
BeNRuS
Dear BeNRuS,
Welcome back! Let's get right to the answers...
1. I have to say that I'm completely unfamiliar with "One Tree Hill", but after reading
the plot summary at the Internet Movie Database, I'd say that it's the other people, not you, that are wrong. It seems like another
O.C./Dawson's Creek sort of thing to me, so I have a natural aversion to it, not being
an angsty teenager.
2. Speaking as someone who works in a similar field - I work for a market research
company that does surveys, not sales
- I completely understand your dislike of the job. I'm not a big fan of mine, either,
but as I'm a bit older than you
and need to have a job; I don't have the choice of quitting because I hate it. I
have to make sure that I have another
job lined up. But am I bitter? No.
Aw, who am I kidding. You smug little bastard! Who do you think you are,
going around just quitting a job
you don't like when I have to bust my hump because if I don't, those dickweeds at Friend
of the Court will come chasing after
me and throw me in jail - like that's going to get the money out of me...
What am I? Some kind of robot
that's there just for those pricks to milk me for everything they can? ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Okay... I'm better now... Er, forget all that stuff in the last paragraph.
Getting back to your question, Consider yourself lucky that you still can
quit a job you don't like. Some
jobs just don't fit every person, and if you have a moral issue with the job, then by
all means, get out of there.
You bastard.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why, does one side of your nose close up when you have a cold or sinus infection?
Why can't they both stay open
together or close up together?
Tired of Dealing with Closed Sinuses,
Vanhalenchick
Dear Vanhalenchick,
That's a good question, and one that I find myself asking quite often, especially
during the winter months.
I think part of the reason why only one nostril closes is because Nature still needs
a way to differentiate relatively
intelligent human beings from neanderthal mouth-breathers (other than confining most of
the mouth-breathers to Washington
D.C.). You see, it's all part of Natural Selection - Nature wants to remove idiots
from the productive flow, and moves
them to the Senate or the House of Representatives, where they can do the least damage,
choosing instead to argue about
whether or not the Ten Commandments should be allowed to be displayed in government buildings
(no - remember the seperation
of Church and State?) or whether gay people should be allowed to be married (yes,
they should). For further information
on this fascinating phenomenon, I'd suggest reading "The Dilbert Principal" by Scott Adams.
For the record, the above comments about idiots in Washington were not directed
at any specific political party.
I'm more than willing give credit where it's due, and both major parties deserve to be
recognized for their intense stupidity,
as do the independent parties.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Any thoughts or suggestions about bras? I'm talking about a good fitting,
non scratching, non-pinching, lift
'em to the ceiling, over the shoulder boulder holder. Are you pro bra, or anti-bra? Have
you ever worn a bra on your head,
or elsewhere on your body?
Guess that's more than one question....sorry.
Sincerely pinched,
skyblue
Dear skyblue,
First, let me say that there's no reason to apologize. As I've mentioned before,
I have no problem if an extra
question or two is thrown in. I'm cool like that.
Anyway, I'm going to answer them in the order you asked:
1. Thoughts or suggestions about bras: Yes. I do have some thought and suggestions
about them. I think that
they are vitally important to certain people - mostly women, but there are some
guys out there who could probably
use one themselves. Mostly, to really old women. There should be a law against
elderly ladies going around bra-less.
Especially if they are wearing a dress of some kind, where their breasts hang just below
the hemline of the skirt.
I also believe that, when shopping for a bra, a person should know what size to get.
I've noticed a disturbing
trend lately, where a woman will be wearing a bra that is obviously too
small to hold their chestular region
without having bits of it overlapping the upper edges of the bra itself. Some guys
may find that sort of thing attractive.
I think it makes them look like they have no idea how to dress themselves. Or that
they may have four breasts, and that's
just plain weird.
Another concern to think about when purchasing a bra is structural support.
There's no point in even buying one
if all it does is provide a sleeve to hang down in. It should be able to hold up
the equipment, if you catch my drift.
(This would also apply to boxer shorts for guys. I mean, really. Why bother?
At least have the decency to
try a boxer-brief combo so we don't hear your testicles slapping against your inner thigh
when you walk.)
2. Pro-bra or Anti-bra: You do mean on people other than me, right?
If so, I would say it depends on the
situation. But definitely not during sex. Before? Sure. It's
part of the show. But
when you get down to business, take the damn thing off. What's the point of trying
to pretend you're shy? You're
about to have sex with someone, for crying out loud! The time for shyness was before
you headed for the bedroom/kitchen
table/swing set in the backyard.
3. Have I ever worn a bra on my head: Sure! Who hasn't?
4. Elsewhere on the body: No. At least, not while I was sober, as far as I
can recall. Beyond that is anybody's
guess.
One last bit of advice: Enough with the padded bras. It's false advertising,
and it's no better than some
guy stuffing a pair of socks down the front of his pants.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Love ya bunches, but what's with the hair?
Signed,
Guess Who?
Dear Guess Who?,
Ooh! A secret admirer! The mystery and intrigue of it all...
To answer your question, The Hair (and yes, it has earned the
capital letters) is an entity in
and of itself, which goes a long way toward explaining why I keep it pulled back all the
time. If I didn't, it could
possibly incapacitate an innocent passerby - maybe even kill somebody! I don't think
I could live with the guilt of
something like that.
A lot of people ask me, "Why don't you just cut your hair?" Here's
exactly why:
|
| The year: 1989. The hair: A helmet. |
Yup. White guy
with a 'fro.
So, I decided to keep it longer. It's been growing for the past three years
or so - slower and slower, I've noticed
- and now it reaches to the middle of my back. Here's an "in between pic, although
you can't really see The Hair:
|
| The year: 2002-ish. The Hair: Mostly under control. |
And now, I just keep
it pulled back because it stays flat on my head. And if I let it hang down, the danger of
killing a passerby aside, I can't see a thing and I'm also in danger of setting my head
on fire while I smoke. Here's
the most recent pic I can find (completely unretouched - I swear it):
|
| A quiet night on the town with a friend... |
Anyway, that
is "what's with The Hair."
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why are Left-Winged Liberals such dumb-asses?
Signed,
Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen,
You know, it's funny you should ask that. I was just wondering why Right-Wing
Ultra-Conservatives are such uptight
pricks.
But this site isn't about my questions. It's about your
questions. So, let's take
a look at the video...
Yeah, those darn Liberals. What is their deal? It seems like
all they ever want to do is complain
about the environment, the poor treatment of minorities, the loss of civil rights and
personal privacy under the guise of
"necessary measures" to stop terrorists, and treating everyone as an equal.
And what's with their opposition to the "war" in Iraq - a country that has never
done anything to us - and their insistence
that we try to spend a little time on trying to find the actual person(s) responsible
for the deaths of more than 3,000 people
on September 11th, 2001.
Of course, we shouldn't overlook their silly ideas about health care for everyone,
trying to reduce government spending,
and the belief that the guy who is running the country should actually listen to the people
he's supposed to be governing.
What a bunch of punk-ass bitches!
Yeah. The Republicans...now that's a group of rich white guys that knows how
things really ought to be.
Screw the poor! It's their own damn fault that they expect a living wage!
And they even insist on health insurance
to make sure they and their kids are healthy! It's that kind of self-centered thinking
that's driving all these corporations
out of the U.S. and slowly turning us into one of those Third World countries that Sally
Struthers likes to drag her big ass
around. At least in places like Guatemala and Venezuela, there are people willing
to work for less than $1.00 a day
to make sure that the rich guys' kids can buy the newest Nike shoes!
And what's all this bitching about government spending? Part of the spending
went toward tax breaks and "bonuses",
didn't it? Sure, they were mainly for the richest 1% of the country, but that's
just nitpicking.
So let's just give the finger to these Left-Wing Liberals! After all, weren't
they responsible for the government's
surplus turning into the biggest deficit in history, a huge chunk of which going toward
funding a war that never should have
happened in the first place? Haven't they encouraged more and more companies to
relocate their manufacturing facilities
to foreign countries where there are no restrictions on the conditions of the workplace,
including allowing child labor, thereby
putting thousands of American citizens out of work?
Didn't those blasted Liberals insist that there was no need for an independent commission
to investigate the possibility
of lapses in National Security before the events of 9/11? When finally agreeing
to the formation of such a commission,
after constant pressure from the opposition party (as well as from members of their own
party), didn't they stonewall as much
as possible, even refusing to speak to the commission, before giving in to public pressure,
but only if it was "off the record"
and without being under oath?
Weren't these the same Liberals who decided that, in the middle of their trumped-up
war, it was more important to attempt
to push through an amendment that explained that marriage could only be between a man
and a woman that to form a coherent
exit strategy for bringing our troops home from Iraq?
Maybe it was a Liberal who told Senator Patrick Leahy to go f*** himself on
the Senate floor. Right in front
of the rest of the Senators. And the C-SPAN cameras.
Are you referring to the same Liberals who put the life of an active CIA operative
and her family in harm's way by committing
treason and leaking her identity to the press?
Oh... Wait a minute. After looking through my notes, it turns out - you're
going to laugh... It turns
out that it wasn't those dumb-ass Liberals who did any of those things!
It was those uptight pricks, the Conservatives!
Go figure....
DCF
Dear Doc,
Not a question; more of a howdy from good old South Africa... Nice
site, Derek.
Signed,
Gillian Stokes
Dear Gillian,
Hiya! Glad you could stop by! As you can see, I'm doing my very best
to make the world a slightly dumber
- but funnier - place. Whether I am accomplishing this remains to be seen, but it
gives me someplace to write stuff
without having to think too hard.
DCF
Dear Doc,
I know you love your Mean Street Intruder. Can you tell me what you like about it? I'm thinking of
getting one.
Signed,
Elian Mamubo
Dear Elian,
Ooh! An actual serious question...
The initial appeal for me was the cost. For what is essentially an Ernie Ball EVH model guitar, you pay about 1/4
of what the real thing costs, and the guitar is as well built, if not better, as the original.
Another good thing is the fact that Mitch, the owner of Mean Street Guitars, backs up his product. And when you
e-mail him, you're actually dealing with him; not some faceless receptionist who will forward your e-mail to whoever
isn't occupied with a game of Minesweeper or surfing for porn on the 'net. Dealing with Mitch was, for me, the deal
sealer. He's a great guy, and he goes out of his way to make sure you get exactly what you pay for.
As for the guitar itself, it's well-built, sounds great, feels great, and is a real workhorse. Mine has been my
main guitar since the day it was delivered. I couldn't be happier.
That reminds me... The last time I went to Mitch's website, he said he would be closed for a vacation and a wedding.
I want to wish Mitch the best and congratulate him and his new wife.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Doc, it happened again. I dreamt this time of being down in Cabo, and just after I kissed the ground, I
drank the world's largest margarita. Again, I woke to finding my toilet bowl lined with salt. I know for sure
that I ate the worm. What can I do to prevent this from happening again?
Signed,
welt
Dear welt,
Did you not learn your lesson last time? I mean, come on...
As I said before, I'd brush my teeth immediately, if I were you. Then I'd consult a doctor, because if you think
you're drinking out of your toilet, and you found a worm in there... Well, I'd be concerned if it were me. That's
all I'm saying.
Anyway, to avoid having this happen yet again, I'd suggest drinking several real margaritas before turning in for the
night. A few dozen should do the trick. This should keep you from getting out of bed, what with the room spinning
around and all. If, amazingly, you still manage to make your way into the bathroom, perhaps wrapping the toilet bowl
in plastic wrap would keep you from drinking out of it.
One warning, though: Remember to remove the plastic when you get up...
DCF
Dear Doc,
Today there was a thunderstorm and my basement flooded. I thought to myself "oh, it won't flood," but then
the power went out, and the water flood pump thing went out, so it flooded.
When the storm was over I went down there to see the damage, and being the idiot I am, I left
my favorite Peavey Rage amplifier on the floor when the basement flooded.
Later on after it dried, I plugged it in and plugged my guitar in, to see if it still worked. The
amplifier itself still worked, but the speaker was ruined, and I spent the next hour screaming about it.
My question is, should I buy a new amplifer or replace the speaker? I really love my amp, and I dont
have the heart to throw it away.
Signed,
Growl60
Dear Growl60,
The answer here seems obvious to me, but that's probably because I'm such a deep thinker. It's a blessing and a
curse, being this ridiculously intelligent.
Anyway, I'd suggest getting a new house. It's clear to me that this is where the problem is, because if you had
a house without a basement, your amp and speaker would be working perfectly.
A little advice, though: When you're looking for a new house, and the real estate agent tries to sell you a place that's
built over an ancient Indian burial ground, do not believe them if they tell you that they moved all the bodies.
If movies have taught me nothing, they've shown me that Steven Spielberg is a genius who knows what he's talking about.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why do all Americans believe we have polar bears in our backyard, streets, etc., in Norway?
Signed,
Marcus
Dear Marcus,
I dunno, but I think it's unfair to suggest that all Americans believe that. For instance, I never even
considered that there'd be polar bears all over the place in Norway. I thought that there wouldn't be any room, what
with all the moose over there.
(A Møøse once bit my sister...)
Of course, there's also the whole Viking thing...
No realli! She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her
by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist",
"Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...)
(We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.)
(Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...)
(We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just
been sacked have been sacked.)
Anyway, don't sweat it. Although I've never been to Norway, I've seen enough pictures and film to know that it's
one of the most beautiful places on Earth. You've got that going for you. And just let those people go on believing
that there's polar bears everywhere. That way, you get to keep the whole country to yourself! It's their loss...
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why is it when I am around others and I see a spider I scream and run away as fast as I can but when I am alone
I am able to kill the bastard? How can I get over this fear?
Signed,
Creeped Out Wus
Dear Creeped Out Wus,
I think the problem here is obvious; you are clearly projecting your fear in the wrong direction. You aren't afraid
of spiders... You're afraid of other people!
The only way to cure yourself of this problem is to get as far away from other people as you possibly can. Why
not move to Montana and live in the woods, where you can learn to commune with nature, live off the land, and write your rambling,
10,000-word manifesto. Before you go, though, be sure to check out some cooking websites to find recipes for delicious
squirrel, tree bark and spit casseroles.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Want a Cheez Doodle?
Signed,
Bobbie
Dear Bobbie,
Do I? They're only one of my favorite food groups (next to Tootsie Rolls)! You can send
them to this address:
DrClayForrester
c/o Ask The Doc
Behind the big rock in the front yard
And, as a show of gratitude, I'll be sending you a copy of my new album, Fun With Back Hair. Enjoy!
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why does coffee taste better with cream and sugar in it than it does without cream and sugar?
Coffee Lovers Need To Know,
Vanhalenchick
Dear Vanhalenchick,
Speaking as a non-coffee drinker (I tried it once, but never cared for it), I believe that you're wrong in saying that
it tastes better with anything added to it. It still sucks.
At any rate, I believe that the reason it only tastes better to you after you've added sugar and cream is because it
is removing it from the actual flavoring of the coffee. This is a strange phenomenon that I've run across before.
My ex-wife's friend Patsy puts about half a cup of sugar in a cup of coffee for herself. The problem with this is that
she considers herself a coffee fan. I think she's just someone who likes a lot of sugar, and uses coffee as an excuse
to cosume it. The same thing goes for people who drink tea.
With this in mind, I firmly believe that coffee and tea should be outlawed. No other beverage needs extra flavoring
to make it taste good. (Except, perhaps, for Corona beer which, I'm told, requires a slice of lime to make it taste
better.) Nobody has to add anything to Coke or Pepsi or (God forbid) Mountain Dew in order to be able to drink it, so
why should we have to tolerate all these sissified coffee and tea drinkers who refuse to touch it unless there's milk, cream,
sugar, lime, or whiskey dumped into it to make it taste better?
I think the coffee-growing countries of the world should be put under firm sanctions until they knock it off, and China
should be nuked for bringing tea to the rest of the civilized world.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Okay. This one isn't about friends.
What is the deal with shiny things? Sometimes I see something shiny, and then I end up staring
at it for about an hour or so, and it throws off my whole day. Why are shiny things so interesting and time consuming?
Signed,
Growl60
Dear Growl60,
It's nice to know you have hobbies other than complaining about your friends.
I wish I knew the reason why shiny things are so interesting. Scientists believe that somewhere along our evolutionary
path, we may have had some sort of avian ancestors - that's birds, for those of you who don't understand all this scientific
mumbo-jumb - and they, like birds today, are easily distracted by shiny objects that they collect for their nests. Magpies
are particularly well-known for this sort of thing.
However, if Steven Spielberg taught us anything, it's that dinosaurs are more likely descended from birds, and if they
are, we can't possibly come from the same lineage. I don't have powerful jaws that can rip flesh from bones, nor do
I have tiny arms that are, for the most part, useless. So someone has to be lying. It's probably the scientists.
My reasoning behind scientists being a bunch of lying bastards is simple: If all of us normal folks figure out what everything
means, they'll have to go get real work, and I just can't picture someone like Stephen Hawking working at, say, Burger King
or someplace like that.
So, I wouldn't worry too much about this whole thing if I were you. I'd offer some suggestions on how to keep from
blowing your whole day staring at something shiny, but I just saw a bit of string that looks really interesting, so I'm going
to close now...
DCF
Dear Doc,
What is an oxymoron? I was given the example of a nonjudgemental catholic. Can you explain further?
Signed,
Former Pew-sitter
Dear Former Pew-sitter,
There are many definitions of an oxymoron. The one I am most familiar with is "a person who is completely clueless
when it comes to skin care." However, I don't think this is the one that fits the example provided.
In this particular case, I believe that what was meant was the combination of two words that are put together although
they completely contradict each other. Other examples include:
Jumbo Shrimp
Military Intelligence
Soft Rock
Recent History
Constant Change
Honest Politician
City Worker
Rap Music
Almost Exactly
Postal Service
Safety Hazard
Religious Science
Educational Television
Compassionate Conservativism
United Nations
Bittersweet
Authentic Replica
Wedded Bliss
And, of course, one that ought to bring it all home to you:
Microsoft Works
Get the picture?
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why is my monkey always so angry? I don't understand it. He's always angry at me and everyone else, for
that matter. Do you know of anything that will help?
Thanks,
Mr_5150
Dear Mr_5150,
Well, for starters, I would suggest that you stop making your monkey angry. Obviously, there's something
you're doing that is making him mad.
If this doesn't work, there are a few simple steps that were suggested to me by a homeless guy who was living in a garbage
can next to the ape sanctuary at the Detroit Zoo.
First, you should charge the monkey, making sure that you do not make eye contact. The purpose of this is to get
him to charge you, as well. Once he does this, you should move into a submissive stance. I would suggest looking
at your feet and nervously twisting your hat in your hands. Urinate submissively, if you think it will work. (The
guy in the garbage can assured me that he had submissively urinated on himself numerous times, although he also said he had
never had the opportunity to confront a monkey.)
Be careful, however, that you do not adopt the wrong submissive posture, or you may find yourself on the receiving end
of some unwanted monkey love, and then your problems are just beginning.
Good luck! And the garbage can guy said to tell you that he could use a sandwich.
DCF
Dear Doc,
If I kill my child because he is driving me nuts, can I say that it is an abortion
14 years later, even if I killed him yesterday?
Signed,
Vanhalenchick
Dear Vanhalenchick,
Yikes. I'm detecting a lot of hostility... Hey... Wait a minute! Weren't you the same one who
asked me if God knows if you kill someone? What is it with you and wanting to kill people all the time? I mean,
I can understand being a bit upset at someone, but really...is it necessary to end someone's life because of a disagreement?
The answer, of course, is yes, but only if they refuse to see your side of it.
In all seriousness, I think you need to lighten up a bit. Ask yourself this: Is it worth getting put in jail for
the rest of your life, just to say that you had an abortion in the 56th (or so) trimester? I'm sure someone would have
an issue with that statement...
So relax, Vanhalenchick. And quit being so darn angry, will ya?
DCF
Dear Doc,
Southerners; I just don't like them. What are your thoughts on them?
Signed,
Monkey Scratcher 69
Dear Monkey Scratcher 69,
Actually, I've spent a bit of time with southerners. I lived in Texas for a few years, and in that time I observed
them closely to see what I could learn from them. (Sort of like Jane Goodall and her apes, but not as hygenic.)
Firstly, let me say that there are a lot of stereotypes out there that are just plain wrong, such as the fact that some
of them are inbred. It's patently untrue. The fact is, they're all inbred.
But I kid southerners with easy access to firearms.
In all seriousness, most of the southerners I've met are genuinely nice people. There are a few exceptions, however.
When we were driving down to Texas to meet up with my dad (he had gone ahead about a year before to get a job and arrange
someplace for us to live), we went through Kentucky, Tennessee and Arkansas. The people in Kentucky and Arkansas were
great (aside from that jerk in Little Rock who suggested we go see the hot springs - what a rip-off). They were friendly,
helpful, and more than willing to direct us to the various tourist sites around the area. (It was a trickle of steaming
water coming out of a rock, for God's sake. And we paid ten bucks to go look at it!)
In Tennessee, however, we were immediately identified as "yankees", and made to feel like intruders everywhere we went.
Admittedly, it probably didn't help that we shouted "We're from up north, and we kicked your asses in the Civl War!" whever
the oppotunity presented itself. (This made things a bit uncomfortable when stopping at restaurants, especially if we
shouted it as soon as we walked in the door and then sat down to order food.)
Overall, though, I'd have to say that most of the southerners I know and have known are just plain old folks, like you
and me...but married to their relatives. And living in trailers. With cars in the yard up on cinder blocks.
And they are really friendly.
Just stay away from the hot springs in Arkansas.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Yet again, I have another friendship problem.
I have a friend named Stephane. (He is a guy, and it's pronounced Ste-fahn.) His name is weird because
he is Canadian.
Apparently, I have some issues with him. He is Canadian, and he hates America - I mean, America the
best country on Earth - yet he still wants to be friends with me. He knows it makes me mad that he doesn't like
America, but still he says it sucks because Canada is better for some reason. He is very dorky - wears horizontally-striped
shirts, khaki pants, and slip-on shoes - and his jokes are corny, but thats not the point. He listens to anti-America
songs and likes the worst band ever - dare I say it? - Green Day. (Now I'm going to slap myself for typing
that.)
Like I said, he wants to be friends with me, so I make fun of Canada, saying Canadians are weird and Canada is
renamed Canuckastan.
So he is mad and wants to be my friend. I hate Canada now that he hates America. What do I do so that
we can be friends without offending each other's native lands?
Signed,
Growl60
Dear Growl60,
First off, you need to investigate the helpful properties of SpellCheck. It took me more time to edit your message
than it probably will for me to answer your question.
Second, just because this Stephane person doesn't like the U.S., that doesn't mean you should hate Canada. In fact,
there are lots of good things about Canada:
1. Their beer has a higher alcohol content than here in the States.
2. On a related note, their legal drinking age is lower.
3. They have centralized health care, and while it does have a few problems, at least poor people can get medical help.
4. Did I mention the beer?
5. Most of the Canadians stay there.
Of course, to be fair, Canada has its share of bad things, too:
1. They have something called back bacon which, as far as I can tell, is just ham.
2. Their money is worth less than actual Monopoly money.
3. They invented the "sport" of curling.
4. They can't pronounce words like "about" and say "eh" a lot.
5. The place is crawling with Canadians.
So, this Stephanie guy needs to lighten up. And before he goes around making fun of other countries, he needs to
do something about his name. Just tell him, "Look, Jennifer, if you're going to be my friend, this ragging on my country
has got to stop. And I think you should have a long talk with your parents about your name. After that, we can
talk about being friends. So how about it, Betty?"
If that fails, try to find out why he's so bitter about living in a country that is clearly the drunken, retarded cousin
of the far superior country just a bit south of him. Perhaps it has something to do with all the moose they have there.
Or maybe this Diane guy is angry about being surrounded on all sides by French-Canadians. That would make me bitter,
too.
Basically, you should tell Sarah that it's time to call a truce. Tell him you'll quit bitching about their weird
metric system if he'll lay off our deeply inbred southern folk. The odds are in your favor that Lisa will be more than
happy to do so if he wants to be your friend.
And if not, then I suggest you write your congressperson and demand that the next military engagement our country sponsors
take place in Vancouver.
DCF
(NOTE FROM THE DOC: Here's a first. I actually got a reply to a reply I wrote to someone. Who'da
thunk it?)
Dear Doc,
To answer your question; I have a large family with large pockets (and large ears). I was told by my agent that
I have a beautiful face for radio. What does he mean?
Signed,
Clay Aiken
Dear Clay Aiken,
I think maybe you should listen to your agent's advice.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Would you come over to my ranch for a sleepover? I don't actually have a ranch, but we could put on cowboy hats
and chaps, and rustle some cows...er, well, maybe dogs....uh...hey, look over there!
Signed,
Bobbie
Dear Bobbie,
Huh? What? Is it something shiny?
Oh, you wacky girl...
Yee-haw! Sounds like a great time, although I need to know in advance whether or not spurs are acceptable.
I cannot, however, wear a hat. You see, I have "hat-resistant" hair. If I somehow manage to get a hat on my large,
oddly-shaped head, it will sit quietly until my hair realizes exactly what is going on, at which point the hat will be discharged
from my head at a high speeds, possibly incapacitating any innocent bystanders who are unlucky enough to be within a quarter
mile of my head, which, to remind you once more, is large and oddly-shaped.
Also, no chaps. I chaffe easily.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Can one suffer from post-partum depression without giving birth?
Signed,
No Womb For Error
Dear No Womb For Error,
One of the great things about this country is the fact that anyone can share in other people's experiences, even though
they haven't actually done any of the hard bits, such as giving birth.
With that in mind, I see no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't be allowed to suffer from post-partum depression without
having given birth yourself. So you go right ahead. And remember to thank Gawd (or Bob, should you prefer it)
every day that you live in the greatest country in the whole world (with the exception of a few others that aren't
run by war-crazy lunatic Texans).
DCF
Dear Doc,
Do you have Michael Jackson's address?
Signed,
Clay Aiken
Dear Clay Aiken,
No. No I don't. I suggest asking Emmanuel Lewis. He's probably got the info you're looking for.
Incidentally, since I've got you here, Clay, could you answer a question for me? Here goes: What
is your appeal? Personally, I don't see it. You look like a cross between a young Opie Taylor and Howdy Doody.
I've never heard you sing, nor do I intend to, but obviously someone likes you (other than that obnoxious Simon guy).
I was just wondering why...
DCF
(NOTE FROM THE DOC: This one is, I swear, absolutely real. Someone actually e-mailed this to me. I'm
pretty sure that it was actually Michael Jackson - I think I'm too old for his taste. Besides, he's in court or
something...)
Dear Doc,
Would you come over to my ranch for a sleepover?
Signed,
Michael Jackson
Dear Michael Jackson,
Thank you for your incredibly disturbing request, which I'm sure will be the source of numerous nightmares and upsetting
dreams for years to come. In the future, please refer requests such as this to my therapist, because it would prove
to him that I got this way because of other people, and not my own deranged mind, as he has claimed so many times
before.
To answer your question, I'm going to have to pass because I understand that you no longer own your monkey, Bubbles.
The only reason I would have wanted to visit your ranch is to meet your monkey, and perhaps spend a little time reassembling
your old noses.
Again, thank you for the invitation, and I'm sure my therapist will thank you, too, as the sessions from this will probably
pay for that house boat he's had his eye on for quite some time.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Do you think if your in 8th grade and you go out with a 7th grader or have a crush on one, it's wrong? The
8th grader is guy and 7th is a girl.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
It all depends. Supposing the 8th grader has failed the class numerous times? What if he failed it so much
that he is now a bitter, hate-filled 28-year old. In that particular case, then no, it's just plain weird.
However, if the 7th grader is a very, very stupid girl who has also failed numerous times, then he should go right ahead
and ask her out, marry her, and move into a trailer somewhere so they can help cultivate each other's mullets, because
they are obviously made for each other.
DCF
Dear Doc,
I'm just curious; do you think Noodles would let you use one of her guitars live if something happened to all
three of yours?
Signed,
Growl60
Dear Growl60,
Actually, yes she would. In fact, she's offered to let me in the past, although I really didn't need it.
However, I think if I suggested taking her Nuno to a gig, she'd beat me down without a moment's hesitation. She seems
pretty quiet and composed, but I've seen her playing "Quake III: Arena" a lot lately, and I've come to the conclusion that
she has a lot of repressed hostility that's just bubbling below the surface...
DCF
Dear Doc,
Is it wrong for me to wash myself with only my tongue?
Signed,
FeeFee McPussycat
Dear FeeFee McPussycat,
I cannot for the life of me imagine why something like that would be considered wrong. In fact, I know of several
websites I've run across in the course of my research where people would pay you serious money to watch you do it live during
a webcast. Perhaps you could contact them. Who knows? It could open up an entirely new world to you - a
world filled with strange, twisted people with lots of back hair and questionable hygene. Doesn't that sound fun?
DCF
Dear Doc,
I have a pet duck and one of it's legs are both the same.....any advice??
Signed,
akc5150
Dear ack5150,
Obviously, you've found yourself a faulty duck. Most ducks, you see, have one leg that's the same length as the
other. Perhaps some kind of corrective shoe might be in order? Although I sincerely doubt you'll find anyone to
make the shoe for you, I wouldn't give up all hope. If worse comes to worst, perhaps you could just, you know, file
down the leg that's longer...
If you're a bit too squeamish to do that, then the shoes are probably the best bet. And good luck teaching your
duck to tie its shoe.
DCF
Dear Doc,
What is the pea-looking thing with his tongue hanging out? I just don't get it.
Signed,
AVA
Dear AVA,
|
| WAUGH! |
I assume you're talking about my little friend here on the left.
This little guy is a sort of logo that was used on all of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books.
He's become synonymous with it.
But there's a deeper, darker side to him that not many people know about...
You see, decades ago, when the folks at M&M/Mars were toying with the idea of adding a new color, someone suggested
green. Many thought that it would be a great new addition to the already popular colors of red, yellow, brown, slightly
less brown, and orange. Plans were made. Dyes were tested. A final, perfect shade of green was agreed upon,
and the materials to announce the new color were created.
But wait...
Somewhere, down in the damp, dark basement of the company's headquarters, evil things were afoot. Dozens of levels
below the corporate offices, in a steel-reinforced laboratory guarded by gigantic, man-eating Twix candy bars, unspeakable
things came to life at the hands of a mysterious scientist known only as Mr. X (whose salary is billed as "Misc. expenditures"
in the company books).
Several items had been incredible successes at Mr. X's hands. His previous work for the Planters Corporation was
well known, as well as past experiments for Pillsbury, Michelin Tires and the California Raisin Council.
With the backing of the highest-ranking members of the M&M/Mars corporate structure, Mr. X was put to work on a new
spokesthing for this latest color, with promises of enormous bonuses and additional funding for other colors if this one worked
out.
Mr. X went to work with the help of his assistant, Binky, as well as a group of mindless, zombie-like bite-size Snickers
bars. Things progressed quickly. Within two months' time, Mr. X contacted the president of the company (through
secret, highly-encoded messages on the company's intranet) with the news that the project was finished. Plans were made
to reveal the genetically-mutated creation to the entire board of directors.
The day of the unveiling, a huge crowd had gathered outside the main meeting room as employees from Marketing and Sales,
and even the mail room, tried to see what was going on inside the dimly lit room. All was for naught, however, as Mr.
X had prepared the boardroom by making sure every window was covered with thick black posterboard.
As the board members filed into the room through a separate door, each took a seat and stared nervously at the smallish
table at the far end of the room that was covered by a cloth. Something stirred beneath the cloth from time to time,
making the executives even more jittery.
Finally, Mr. X entered the room, accompanied by the company president. Brief speeches were made by both men before
Mr. X pulled the cloth from the table, revealing the huge, hideous and, above all, very green creation. It floated
above the table gently, smiling at everyone. Although it had no eyes, each member of the board present had the distinct
feeling that the thing was looking through them.
When Mr. X commanded the thing to greet each and every member of the board and shake their hands, it moved forward, arm
outstretched, toward the first member, who offered his hand nervously. The last thing he saw was the green creature's
tongue shoot out of its mouth toward him.
The carnage that followed was unspeakable. The only survivor was Mr. X, who hid beneath the table, weeping quietly
to himself, in a sad, foul-smelling puddle of his own making.
The green thing was last seen bursting from the window and floating off into the street. At least, that was the
last time anyone claims to have seen it.
Several years later, in 1979, a young author named Douglas Adams was in the process of making a book out of his ridiculously
popular radio show, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The marketing department for his publisher was hard
at work, creating a cover for what would turn out to be five wildly popular books, at least two more radio series, several
stage plays, a disco song, and a towel.
A young, energetic gentleman form the art department showed up at a meeting with a drawing of a smallish, green globe
with its tongue sticking out and making a face. When asked where he got the inspiration for the design, he became very
quiet, his eyes darting back and forth as if he expected someone (or something) to jump out and explain parliamentary
procedure to him. He quit shortly after the design was approved by Adams.
As far as Mr. X, he eventually regained control of his bodily functions and went back to work for M&M/Mars, trying
to perfect his original design. He eventually did.
|
| Eat me! |
Mr. X and his Snickers bars went on to create the perfect spokesthing for the new green M&M color (Binky, after hearing
about the terrible deaths of almost the entire board of directors - there were a few who were sick that day, and they returned
the next day to find that they had been promoted beyond their wildest dreams - gave up the henchperson lifestyle and
went on to become very popular in Transylvania with his self-help book series which was specifically designed to help the
evil henchpeople break the chains and branch out on their own), and eventually scored better bonuses and more funding
to create an entire army of walking, talking M&M candies in all of the available colors.
I hope this answers your question.
DCF
Dear Doc,
How come you can't turn Jell-O back into its origial liquid form unless you swish it through your teeth really
fast? Is is magic or some kinda top secret government conspiracy?
Signed,
The Narrator
Dear Narrator,
It's nothing of the sort. Fortunately for you, too, or you'd have disappeared off the face of the Earth by now,
or your memories could have been wiped. (It's true! I saw it on The X-Files...)
Anyway, it is entirely possible to turn Jell-O back to its liquid form. You can use the teeth-squishing method, you
could set it on fire, you could fill your tub with it and sit in it (more fun than you think, especially with friends!), or
you could use my favorite technique: The Pantyhose Squish, or as I like to call it, The Breatheable Cotton Panel Of Liquification.
Here's how it works:
1. Get a pair of pantyhose (preferrably new, unless you're in to that kind of thing).
2. Tip the Jell-O into the pantyhose, making sure the bits drop into the feet of the "hose" part.
3. Tie off the open end (or the "panty" part of the equation) firmly with a knot.
4. Now, grab the feet and squish the Jell-O around vigorously until it starts to turn liquid-y.
5. If this technique isn't enough, check the knot on the top, and then spin the pantyhose around by the feet, like
you're trying to lasso a cow.
6. Set the pantyhose on the ground, and jump up and down on them.
By this point, if you have any Jell-O left in the pantyhose, it should be rpetty close to liquid. The other bits
are probably also liquid, but they are of no use to you unless you want scrape them off the wall (placed there during the
swinging).
If that doesn't work, you might want to just eat it in its semi-solid form.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Who do think would win in a fight? Pac-Man or Frogger?
Signed,
Monkey Scratcher 69
Dear Monkey Scratcher 69,
Hmmm... Tough question. Pac-Man has the power in his jaws to chew a frog to shreds without a second though.
And he's proven how brave he is by not allowing a couple of stupid ghosts to frighten him.
On the other hand, Frogger has the raw leaping power that a chomping disk with no legs could muster.
Weighing the two against each other, I think it's fair to say that Pac-Man would tear Frogger up. Pac-Man can just
eat and eat, but Frogger would eventually get tired, allowing Pac-Man to attack at his leisure.
Now... If you added in the Centipede, it would be anybody's game...
DCF
Dear Doc,
How do I get gum unstuck from the window on the screen door? I can't get it off.
Signed,
Damien
Dear Damien,
More than anything, I'm concerned about how the gum got there in the first place. I mean, I've done some pretty
dumb things with gum that I'm not proud of (if you're that interested, read "Here's Gum In Your Eye" on my regular homepage),
but I can't imagine how, when it's being chewed, it can end up stuck to a screen door. What kind of twisted weirdo are
you?
Anyway, the easiest way to get it off of there is to get your teeth right into it and pull it like a Great Dane tugging
on a chew toy. If you have to bite through the screen itself, a few simple repairs can be done with a patch kit from
a typical hardware store.
If you don't think that chewing it off the door is a good idea, then perhaps you should just find a picture or wreath
or something to stick to it. That way, if anyone sees it, you can say, "Oh, just ignore the thing... It's holding
up the doohickey..." It works every time. Trust me. I've got things stuck all over my walls and no one is
the wiser... (Although I do think I'm eventually going to have to scrape some of it off. My roommate Noodles got
stuck to the wall the other day, and I don't think she's buying my "heavy static electricity discharge" explanation...)
DCF
Dear Doc,
How do I stop my friend Anthony from being a complete and total wuss?
Every time he is confonted by a danger, he locks himself in his room.
What should I do?
Signed,
The Narrator
Dear Narrator,
It's hard to say what the problem here is without knowing exactly what kind of danger it is that Anthony is being confronted
with. I mean, is it a huge, slobbering monster with enormous fangs that wants to eat his face? Or is it a timid
chihuahua that just sort of took him by surprise?
If it's the monster thing, then he's fully justified. I wouldn't want to have something like that eyeballing my
face, either.
If it's the chihuahua scenario, then perhaps Anthony is just a sensible person who understands that chihuahuas are not
actual dogs, but rather, they are large rodents that could possibly be carrying some sort of virulent disease.
Either way, the easiest way to keep him from locking himself in his room when confronted with danger is, obviously, to
beat him to the room, slam the door in his face, and lock it. He'll be outside, where he will be forced to confront
his fears (and possibly have his face eaten). And you will be fortunate enough to not have to see it or, worse, be a
part of it.
Good luck to you on that!
DCF
Dear Doc,
Today I was doing some laundry, and, as always, there was the lonely sock in the back of the dryer, I put my arms
and head in to reach for it, and the dryer turned on!
MY DRYER TRIED TO EAT ME!!!
How do I stop it from eating me again? Please help.
Signed,
Growl60
|
| "This hay-ous is clee-un..." |
Dear Growl60,
I think the answer here is obvious. Aside from the numerous issues that you yourself have (see previous question),
it is clear to me that your dryer is, in fact, possessed. I would recommend an exorcism performed by an ordained priest.
If that doesn't work, then you might just have a poltergeist living in your laundry room. If this is the case,
I would keep any small children away from it - Craig T. Nelson learned this the hard way - and find yourself a midget with
a thick Southern accent to try to make the spirit "go into the light...GO into the LIIIIIIIIIGHT..."
There is also the possibility that your appliances just plain hate you, so you might want to just move to another house
and find friendlier household machinery. However, I'd hold out on that one until after you've tried the other ideas.
DCF
Dear Doc,
I have a friend at school - let's call him Big Ben - and I've known him all my life. But now
that we are in our teen years, he became (just like the rest of his family) gruesomely fat and ugly, and he smells like
a pile of horse manure. He doesn't bathe, doesn't wear deodorant, wears the same clothes he wore the day before
(or dirty clothes he found on the floor in his room), and has lips bigger that his face.
He is also obsessed with medevil knights, warriors and things like that. But mostly his
bad personal hygene scares me. PLEASE HELP!!!
Signed,
Growl60
Dear Growl60,
First off, what kind of friend are you to be calling "Big Ben" and his family ugly and gruesomely fat? A friend
is supposed to be someone who accepts you for who you are, even if you are a terrible, smelly monstrous example of humanity.
So, before you go around judging your "friend", perhaps you need to evaluate this friendship. I mean, jeez...
You could just be entirely too cool to hang out with a loser like that...
In all seriousness - yeah, right - it appears to me that Big Ben has decided to give up on the possibility of ever knowing
the touch of a female - the obsession with Fantasy-type characters is a dead giveaway, second only to Star Trek in
its ability to completely crush the female libido - and has, therefore, chosen to make himself as unpleasant to be around
as possible, all but ensuring that no one will ever interrupt the EverQuest game that he plays
with strangers over the Internet, never once realizing that these people will not ever be his friends, and the girl he finds
himself falling in love with in some Fantasy chat room is actually a 45-year old trucker named Russell with more back hair
than a silverback gorilla.
If you expect to help your friend at all, you might have to trick him into taking a bath or shower. Ask him to
come with you to wash the family sedan, and then, when he's working away on the windshield to get the dead bugs off, turn
the sprayer on him. Make sure you soap him up really good. Then rinse. I would, however, strongly suggest
you avoid the "hot wax" setting. No good can come of that.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Your thorough and well-thought-out answer to STICKBOY! got me wondering... Codpiece? I think I want to
know the origin of that term, but I am a bit scared to ask, simply because of the pictures it conjures up in my semi-fertile
imagination. If you can you guarantee a non-nightmare inducing answer, I'd like to know. Otherwise....how 'bout them Cubbies,
dude?
Signed,
Bobbie in Gettysburg
Dear Bobbie in Gettysburg,
Well, I know that you will be checking back, hoping I was able to find a way to explain this to you with a bit of subtle
skill that would keep you from being violently ill.
Now might be a good time to check on the Cubs...
The codpiece was originally a leather "pouch" that Vikings would line with bits of fish and strap over their "regions"
in order to survive through the harsh Norse winters. Oddly enough, these "packages" of extremely boring fish
had incredible heat storage properties that would keep the Vikings' "areas" nice and toasty. After experimenting with
various types of fish - the blowfish sounded good in theory, but turned out to be a very bad idea indeed - they settled on
using cod because these flat and absurdly dull fish were the only ones that didn't complain about the situation. What
did they have to lose, really?
Another fascinating tidbit is that, although a solid 98% of large-haired 80's rock musicians were not, in fact, in any
way from Norway or its surrounding area (stop giggling), they adopted the codpiece as their very own, most prominently among
members of Kiss, David Lee Roth and Spinal Tap. They eventually gained such popularity - in much the same way certain
inadequate folks require expensive sports cars, if you catch my drift - other music genres started to adapt
the codpiece for themselves, including Cameo, the artists responsible for the smash hit "Word Up". (It's a code word.)
So, the next time to see Skid Row, Motley Crue or, God forbid, DeBarge frugging violently on your television, remember
to think of Vikings with their shorts full of fish parts.
DCF
Dear Doc,
The other day my wife bought me eight pounds of M&M's (the Star Wars - Episode III Special
Edition variety), and I noticed something troublesome: All the bad guy colors were cool and all the good guy colors sucked.
Bad guys got great shades of red and dark blue, not to mention black. The "good" (and I use that
term loosely) colors were pink, yellow and baby blue. What self-respecting good guy would be caught dead in these
colors?!
Then there's evil green. That is a really cool color. Evil! By default!
The bad guys have alreay won! They've taken all the cool colors! Those bastards! So, what
is a good guy - a defender of truth, justice and really good onion rings - supposed to do? It makes it really
hard to pick colors for a super suit. Red, white and blue are pretty played-out...
Signed,
STICKBOY!
Dear STICKBOY!
That's actually a good question, and it's one that I imagine strikes right at the heart of why there are so many evil
geniuses out there, and so few heroes to attempt to stop them. Look at Batman. He is so backed-up with bad
guys that he probably hasn't had the opportunity to change his codpiece in quite a while, and that's not something that should
be overlooked, because it's probably pretty ripe by now. Superman is not exactly bored, either. The same goes
for The Tick, Spider-man, Ambush Bug and countless others.
(I want to apologize right now for suggesting that anyone consider Batman's codpiece. It was wrong and I shouldn't
have brought it up.)
The fashion-conscious bad guy, on the other hand, knows that he's going to look better than some idiot in tights
with their underwear on the outside. Why do you think I took the name of an evil (if inept) mad scientist?
Green's the way to go, baby!
However, things are changing. More and more superheroes are taking up the colors that were associated with
villains in the past. While black has been associated with bad guys for quite some time, it has slowly moved over
to the good guys' side. The same goes for the other colors. Unfortunately, that means that, if the universe must
maintain a balance, the femme-y colors of heroes past will eventually migrate over to the evil genius guys, at which point
I'll have to find a new name. Hopefully, that's going to be a while yet.
So here's what I suggest you do about your superhero costume, STICKBOY! Pick whatever colors work best for you.
It's all good. But remember one important rule: the underwear goes on the inside. Unless you're one of those weird
homeless guys who wears a collander on your head and yells at passing traffic. Then it's up to you.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Which is first for guys: pubes or hair under the armpits?
Signed,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous (if that's your real name),
I imagine that it depends on the person. If you're a normal teenage boy, they both come in around the same time,
if I remember correctly. (It's been a while since I was a normal teenage boy.)
If you're some kind of half-plastic, demonic, modern-day eunuch freak like, to pull a name at random, Michael Jackson,
you could be well into your 40's and not have a single hair on your body other than those on your head. And even those
look suspicious.
So, as you can see, each and every person (even an "alleged" pedophile) has a different situation, and it's impossible
to say when it will happen for sure.
If you have hair on your knuckles, though, that's just plain icky.
DCF
(A Note From The Doc: This one's been sitting in my inbox for a while, and I completely forgot about it. My
apologies to Vanhalenchick for the long wait.)
Dear Doc,
Hey, I was wondering, if you kill someone and get away with it, does God know you did?
Signed,
Vanhalenchick
Dear Vanhalenchick,
Why? What have you heard? Nobody can prove anything...
In all seriousness (at least, as much as I can muster), if there is a God, He is supposed to be omnipotent. By
definition, that means that He's knows what you've done. How He'll react to it when you get to meet Him, though, is
a matter of some conjecture.
You see, way back a long time ago, when His son, Jesus, was hanging around (ooh...bad joke, I know...), God was a vengeful
and spiteful deity. The smiting was so common that people tended to spend their free time sitting quietly at a table
with their hands in plain sight, just in case. If someone started acting up, God made one of His rare public appearances,
usually setting something on fire and dropping a few stone tablets with rules etched on them.
Some people got it in their heads that God wasn't all He was cracked up to be, so they started inventing their own gods
- gods that were everything they needed them to be, but kept out of their personal business, if you get my point. The
skies were black with the smoke of sacrifice as each religion tried to prove that their god was the right one.
Some of those gods started to gain popularity, until God decided that enough was enough, and flooded the entire planet, just
to prove His point. (Some deities can be so touchy about that sort of thing.)
Anyway, all of this happened over 2000 years ago. Since then, God hasn't made a whole lot of personal appearances,
no matter what that weird guy with the long beard who wanders around town yelling at trees says. My guess is that He
has decided to sit back and see what happens, like a science experiment. I suspect that He will have his final analysis
shortly after the universe decides to give us the finger, at which point He may decide to start all over again, and apply
the information that He got from the last time.
Some speculate that this may have already happened.
In closing, let me say this: Even though I've painted a picture of a somewhat angry, if disinterested God, let me also
add that I sincerely believe that He also has a great sense of humor. How could He not? Just look at the duck-billed
platypus...
DCF
Dear Doc,
Last night I had a dream about drinking the world's biggest margarita. To my shock I woke up this
morning to find salt around my toliet bowl. I am worried that I ate the worm. It is really freaking me out. What should I
do?
Signed,
Welt
Dear Welt,
First and foremost, brush your teeth.
Next, I would suggest seeing a doctor or, at least, a veterinarian, because if you found a worm in there,
you might have problems that even I, with my vast lack of knowledge and my mildly amusing ability to make random wild guesses,
might not know about.
Also, you should remove the salt from the toilet bowl. You don't want to experience the embarrassment of going
into your bathroom, only to find a bunch of deer standing around it. And you might not want to wait until they're done.
So, good luck, and make sure you keep your hunting license up to date.
DCF
Dear Doc,
How can one man be so gosh-darned funny? Do you have a team of funny people writing for you, kinda like Martha
Stewart's team of people who are really good at all that stuff we think she does all by herself to make all of us women feel
like underachievers? Only funnier? Wait a minute...is she doing that now? Does she have a team still in place or must she
re-assemble one after her stint in the pokey? I don't know what she's doing now, other than sporting a fashionable ankle bracelet
to keep her in line, so put that stuff about her in past tense. I seem to have forgotten what I was asking. Is there
no hope for me?
Signed,
Bobbie in Gettysburg
Dear Bobbie in Gettysburg,
Fear not! There is always hope, even if it the hope that whatever just happened never happens again.
No, I don't have a team of writers working for me. I wish I did. It would make this a whole lot easier.
However, since I'm doing all of this for free, it would be prohibitively expensive to hire people to be funny for me.
I just have to wing it on my own and hope to Gawd that I make someone chuckle.
Now that we've covered that, let's get to what appears to be the real issue here: Your obvious hatred of Martha
Stewart.
There's no need to feel nervous or worried that you're being too hard on Stewart. She's brought it all on herself.
Even before her questionable stock market dealings, she went out of her way to make every single woman who ever had a kitchen
to do anything in feel as though nothing they were doing was adequate, especially when she could make a stylish centerpiece
for her dinner table using popsicle sticks, old cigarette butts, used tampon applicators and gold glitter. She's a bad
person, and she should be treated as such.
Let me give you an example from my own life. My sister-in-law, Sherrie, likes to sew and to domestic things like
that. Shortly after I first met her, I stopped by my brother's house to see what was going on, and there was Sherrie,
working feverishly on a craft project. It was supposed to be a sort of stuffed scarecrow thing to hang in the window
for Halloween or Thanksgiving or something like that. She told me that she had spotted it in a craft store, labeled
as a ten-minute project, and thought, "Hey! That could be fun and domestic and whatnot!" When I saw it for the
first time, two weeks later, it was about halfway done.
What could make a person who, if I may say so, seems to be the most stable person in that household turn into a flippin'
domestic lunatic? Why, Martha Stewart, of course. Sherrie's a big fan of Stewart. She read the magazine,
watched the TV shows, and attempted to do the projects. Clearly, this bizarre fascination with Stewart has driven my
favorite sister-in-law cross-eyed, blitheringly insane.
Martha Stewart is evil. And she should be stooped before she causes further damage to the psyche of countless other
women who think that Martha's got a line on what, exactly, is a good thing.
DCF
Dear Doc,
What is it with guys and butts? I understand the breast thing, since 'most' men don't have
breasts, they find them odd/exciting. But everone has a butt. I don't get it. Also, if I may ask another
booty-related question: What should a male-attracting butt look like (assumeing you are a butt man yourself)? Thanks.
Signed,
Ava
Dear Ava,
Guys are fascinated with female butts because, and I'm saying this as a guy who does,
in fact, have a butt of his own, they look a hell of a lot better than guy butts. In general, women have a more appealing
appearance than guys do. Women are curvy. They have interesting shapes and they are softer. They
are clearly a well-designed gender, on the whole.
Men, on the other hand (and I'm saying this with all the honesty of a guy who wakes up and sees himself
in the mirror each and every day, no matter how much he'd prefer not to), are large, lumpy wads of gristle with rough skin
and odd hair growth (what is the deal with all the ear hair?), and they appear to have been thrown together without much thought.
|
| Oh,
no you don't... |
Because the two genders are so different in appearance, we guys need something to look at that is more interesting
than each other, and women present exactly that. And a nicely proportioned backside is a very nice thing to see.
There's also the attraction to the fact that a lot of women consider that area of their body a "no-fly zone",
if you catch my drift. Guys love a challenge.
|
| J-Lo?
Is that you? |
As to what makes a good male-attracting butt, it's really all a matter of opinion. Here's mine. A nice butt
has to have two things: a decent proportion, relative to the rest of the body, and a certain shape. As a rule, I don't
care for huge butts, so Jennifer Lopez never even comes close to making it on my list. I know that'll just tear her
up to hear that...
Myself, I like a nice, round-ish shape, but not overly so. Sort of like a peach, but a tiny bit more narrow.
And if I see the right kind of butt, whether it's on a thinner girl, or one that might have a bit of extra meat
on the bones, you can almost hear the sonic boom as my head spins around at the speed of sound. It's a wonder I haven't
given myself whiplash on more than a few occasions.
One of the things that I absolutely cannot stand, aside from a ridiculously out of proportion butt, is seeing a nice
looking girl, only to find out that she doesn't have any at all. If I can't tell where the back ends and the legs begin,
it's a real turn-off. It's about as arousing as looking at a door hinge.
Having read over all of this, I just realized how ridiculously shallow it all sounds, so let me add the following bit
of information in an attempt to keep myself from looking like a complete dickweed: Personality really is important.
I know it sounds like a cliché, but it's true. If your personality doesn't mesh with the other person's, you might as
well date a mannequin, because it has all the physical appeal with none of the back-sass.
Wow. That was really stupid. I should quit while I'm ahead.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why do people label their music "experimental" on places like MySpace
when their music clearly is not experimental
in any stretch of the word? Doesn't
this tarnish actual experimental music -- everyone making stereotypical crap
labeling
it "experimental"?
Signed,
Matt-O-Matic
Dear Matt-O-Matic,
Perhaps you're looking at this the wrong way. Maybe the people who are labeling this dull, unexciting music as
"experimental" normally makes loud, enthusiastic, exciting music. The boring, uninteresting kind would, therefore, qualify
as "experimental" music to them. So, that would make you a snippy, pretentious snot because it doesn't qualify under
your definition of "experimental", and you're not willing to allow anyone else to add to that definition. Lighten up,
ya cheese-eating sissy-boy!
If it turns out that all of their music is like that, then they probably just suck. If that's the case, you should
probably forget about the "cheese-eating sissy-boy" thing.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why do people go to the circus when it's in town? I mean, I understand if they have small children
who have't yet been. But really, I think once is enough. How many times can you see a clown slap an elephant's
ass with a stick to make it lumber around in a fat manner before it loses it's charm?
Signed,
Chunky Monkey
Dear Chunky Monkey,
The reason people still continue to go to the circus is to make themselves feel better about their lives. Think
about it. You might be living in a box under a freeway abuttment, scraping the leftover bits from discarded bananas
and hamburger wrappers, but at least you're not up to your knees in animal dung, whacking an elephant with a stick while you
wear big shoes (which are currently covered in the aforementioned dung), makeup and oversized pants with suspenders that
have a squirting flower on them, while another similarly dressed person is dumping whitewash down those pants.
Yes, everyone knows that clowns serve a purpose. The only bit they get wrong is the purpose they serve. Someone,
somewhere once suggested - sarcastically, I would be willing to bet - that clowns were supposed to amuse us. Since then,
circuses have hired tons of them, and there's even a college for clowns, all because someone else didn't get the joke.
But the truth is, clowns serve one purpose, and one purpose only: To scare the hell out of little kids. If you
don't believe me, read Stephen King's book, "It". Their evil plan is spelled out so vividly in that book that I could
swear King himself went to Klown Kollege - a place that I imagine is a dark, joyless place that echoes with
sad honking noises, the "splat!" sound of pies hitting faces, and the lonely sobs of pathetic men trying to sweep up
the last little bit of tiny circles of light.
Anyway, go to the circus and enjoy. Because if you don't, the clowns will find you... Oh, yes... They
will find you...
DCF
Dear Doc,
O wise one, have you ever read "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift? It's an article written in 1729 about the
overpopulation and underfeeding of the Irish people, suggesting that all the Irish babies be eaten. What's your take on this?
Signed,
guitargrl426
Dear guitargrl426,
As a matter of fact, I have read "A Modent Proposal". I also saw "Indecent Proposal" by mistake, thinking it was
the movie version of Swift's article. It was an honest mistake. At first, I thought that the whole "I'll pay you
a million dollars to sleep with your wife" thing had been added in there to pad it out, seeing as the article itself was only
about 3,500 words long. After the film ended without so much as a single mention about eating babies, I realized the
mistake and returned the video to Blockbuster, demanding that the tapes be labeled a little bit better to avoid confusion
in the future. It turned into a pretty heated argument, and now I'm not allowed in there anymore.
Anyway, the article. First and foremost, I think it's important to know that I don't really believe that Swift
was serious. I mean, it's just plain ridiculous to think that someone - even a stuffy European guy with a powdered wig
- would actually want to eat babies to lessen the burden of the homeless on the government. He probably just had the
munchies from all the opium he had consumed that afternoon.
Taking into account Swift's decidedly femme-y appearance, along with the probable drug addiction and/or syphilis infection
that was eating away at his brain, like so many other writers of that era, it is obvious that Swift was making up the whole
thing about having an "American friend" who suggested the idea to him in the first place. No way
would an American even consider hanging out with a man for whom the height of fashion is a starched collar, hose,
and shoes with buckles and bows on them.
All that aside, the idea of eating babies is just plain foolish. Everyone knows that babies are born with too much
fat on them to make a decent meal. It would probably take up to ten or even fifteen good-sized babies to make
a decent pot of stew. And if you're looking to make burgers or something like that, it could take as many as three medium-sized
babies to make one decent-sized patty.
No, the best idea is to eat teenagers who are engaged in sports of some kind, preferrably something that involves running.
That way, the meat would be lean, so long as they aren't long distance runners - the meat would be too stringy and tough if
they ran more than the quarter-mile on a regular basis, along with a regular jogging regimen each day.
Good luck to you, and if you know any good recipes for teenager stew, feel free to send them along...
DCF
Dear Doc,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
I really want to know!
Signed,
Just Curious
Dear Just Curious (if that's your real name...),
A woodchuck is limited to chucking the amount of wood that has been approved by the Woodchucking Woodchucks' Union (check
the Yellow Pages for a local post) in each individual state.
These amounts have been determined by local leaders of the woodchuck community, and its representatives, and are the
highest possible amounts of wood that can in fact be chucked without threatening the environment, violating zoning laws, or
accomplishing anything like an honest days' work, as established by the founders of the Woodchucking Woodchucks' Union in
its original charter and bylaws.
Contact your local union hall for further information.
DCF
Dear Doc,
Why am I in this hand basket and where am I going?!?!?!?
Signed,
Shaggy
|
| Shaggy? |
Dear Shaggy,
You are in the basket because you are a danger to yourself and others. Someday, scientists will name whatever is
wrong with you after you. Be proud.
As to where you are going, it has been decided that you should go to live with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and, worst of
all, Steve Guttenburg. Maybe that will help you change you evil ways. Let it be a lesson to you. If that
doesn't work, we
may have to work Richard Grieco from "21 Jumpstreet", and I'm pretty sure you don't want that to happen...
DCF
Dear Doc,
Ever since I joined a forum about a famous guitar player, I've been obsessed with building a replica of several
of this artist's guitars. I even spend several valuable hours of my company's time using an online guitar builder to make
mock-ups of the guitar I want. I'm even driving my wife insane with the idea and the details. Is it healthy for me to want
to do this?
Signed,
TonyEVH5150
Dear TonyEVH5150,
Wow...Did you pick the wrong guy to ask! I'm a guy who freely admits that he paid about $400 for a puppet!
|
| That's
right. It's my PUPPET! |
I don't think there's really anything wrong with wanting to build replica guitars. I have one myself. And
designing new ones on the dime of the company you work for...well, let's just say that you're not alone. (Thank Gawd
my boss never reads this.)
No, theres nothing wrong with any of that. The problem here, I think, is your wife. Don't get me wrong; I'm
not saying your wife is a bad person. I just think she needs to realize that you have a hobby that you really enjoy.
Tell her it could have been worse. You could have decided that knocking over party stores was your hobby. Then
there'd be all the issues with taking your hostages home on the same day that she invited the Johnsons over for dinner.
Next thing you know, the basement's full, the police are at the door, and you're trying to stuff the last few pieces of the
now disassembled Mrs. Johnson down the toilet. All because your wife didn't want you to build a guitar.
As I'm not currently married (although I'm always on the lookout for a future ex-Mrs. DCF), I've decided to enlist the
help of my roommate, the lovely and talented Noodles, and see what she thinks about this so-called "obsession" with a famous
guitarist. Her response: "I see nothing wrong with it at all. As long as you don't go get plastic surgery, like
those weirdos on MTV who try to look like famous people, I don't see anything wrong with it." Let me add this: If you're
ugly, you might want to look into that surgery.
So, to go over the salient points:
- Don't knock over party stores because there won't be anywhere to put the hostages when the cops arrive;
- If you are ugly, you might want to look into plastic surgery, but not the kind that'll make you look like this guitarist;
and
- I'm so shameless that I'm willing to make a plug about myself to single women out there while pretending to offer an answer
to your question.
I hope this helps.
DCF
Hey Doc!
I gotta ask, Hot water heater....Why?
Signed,
Spidey
Dear Spidey,
While I can't speak for you, since I don't know where you live, I can offer this bit of information about those of us
living in the northern part of the US - specifically, Michigan (where I live), Minnesota, Wisconsin, parts of Illinois, and
anyplace else where the only way you can tell spring has arrived is because the snow piled on everything is a bit grayer.
Pay close attention, because I'm only going to say it once...
It's friggin' COLD!!!
We need our hot water heaters because every major water source around here is frozen solid. The heaters liquify
it so we can use it for lukewarm baths and tepid beverages. It can be used for cooking in its natural, rock-solid state;
it just takes it longer to boil.
If you're living in the southern part of the country (or any other country where a piece of string can count as a bikini
on the beach), then hot water heaters are redundant. I suggest you get rid of it.
DCF
Dear Doc,
If a guy has long hair, why does it always look so good, even though guys never need to do anything with their
hair, and we girls must fuss and mess with our hair just to make it look decent? It's not fair!
Signed,
Hairy Hannah
Dear Hannah,
Don't be fooled. Guys with long hair don't just automatically have hair that looks good. It takes a lot of
work to make it look like it didn't take anything at all for most guys.
As a guy with long hair that is naturally curly, let me tell you that some days it's just torture to get it to do anything
other than attack passing strangers. (This happens more frequently that my lawyers will allow me to admit.) Even
so, I have my secrets. Here's a few tips for other guys with long, curly hair:
- First thing in the morning, before my hair realizes what's happening to it, I get a firm grip on it and wrestle it to
the floor. This gives me the element of surprize. Without that, I could lose fingers, limbs, or even my life on
really bad hair days.
- While the hair is dazed from the initial attack, vigorously apply water. Lots and lots of water. I have pretty
thick hair, and it takes forever to get it good and wet. I would allow a good half-hour to forty-five minutes.
Better still, if you have a large bucket, fill it with water and just stick your head in it. Let it soak. (It
is vitally important to remove any trash or pickle juice from the bucket beforehand, unless you want your hair to smell garlic-y
and have little wads of paper and cigarette butts in it.)
- Now that the hair is soaked through - it is soaked through, isn't it? - use some sort of styling tool, such as
a comb, brush, pick, or garden rake (did I mention I have very unruly hair?), and comb it all straight back so it looks almost
mullet-like (but without the Billy Ray Cyrus connotation).
- Here's where the variations come in: I like to keep my hair pulled back into a ponytail, because if I just let it flop
all over it gets in the way, and when it starts to dry, I'm told I look like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz.
That's not how I want people to think of me. Other guys, with better-trained hair, sometimes choose to let it hang.
it's all a matter of taste.
Now, I'm sure you are asking yourself, "If having long hair is such a pain in the butt, why do you have it that way?"
Good question. And here's my answer: Because I look like an absolute goober with short hair. Honest. It
was even more unruly than my long hair is. Instead of sticking up everywhere, it just sits there, and little loose hairs
stick out of the general hair helmet. It's horrible. So traumatic, in fact, that I haven't had an "official" hair
cut in well over four years.
Anyway, next time you see a guy with long hair and start hating him because it looks good, just remember this: That guy's
life is at stake every time he looks in the mirror...
DCF
Dear Doc,
When does the DCF tour bus come to Gettysburg PA ?
Signed,
Bobbie
Dear Bobbie,
Oddly enough, you're not the first person from that neck of the woods to ask me that same question. What is it
with you people in Pennsylvania? Are you that hard up for entertainment?
I guess what I'm going to have to do is plan some kind of visit to PA this summer, if my scheduling allows it.
I'll call it the "Ask The Doc Microcosm Tour", since it will pretty much only consist of visits to different cities in PA
- Gettysburg, Lancaster, Easton (gotta visit the Crayola factory again), and possibly Hershey, because I do like the chocolate...
I hope I can see you and all the others who asked, if I can make the time to get out there!
DCF
Dear Doc,
You absolutely crack me up - believe me when I say you have no reason to be shy with your sense of humour !!!
On a more serious note, and without wishing to offend my American cousins, I'd be grateful if you could answer
this one for me:
Why doesn't America call "American Football" by the name of "Soccer" instead of insisting on renaming the beloved
national game of England (the REAL game of football)? - especially since the American game doesn't involve much use of the
"feet".
Finally, I intend writing to the Queen of England (cc Mr Bush) seeking an official change in the name of "American
Soccer" and would be grateful for your advice on something more appropriate. (FYI, I'm currently thinking of suggesting "StutterBall"
given the constant stop-start nature of the game).
Signed,
lee_budge
Dear lee_budge,
First, thanks for the compliment. I'm glad everyone is enjoying these.
Now, to your question...
That's actually a good question, and one I was never able to figure out, either. I've never been much of a football
guy myself, although I am the proud owner of a "Cheesehead" hat from Wisconsin.
From what I can tell, the closest European sport that American football resembles would be rugby. (The ball is the
same shape, and it involves a lot of guys running into each other, although there's not nearly as much butt-slapping after
a goal is scored in the English version.) With that in mind, I suggest that the sport of American football be renamed
American Rugby, and then "soccer" can be called by its proper name, football. Talk to the Queen about that and let me
know what she says. And tell her I said "Hi!"
DCF
Q: Okay. Here it goes, Doc.
Every time I plug in my guitar and play it, everything I play sounds awsome, perfect! But if I
record it and listen to myself, it sounds like cats fighting. Am I just that bad? Or do I need a better recorder?
Signed,
eman5150
A: Before I answer, let me ask you this: When you're just plugged in and playing, are you drinking heavily? I ask
because I used to do that, and I would record it all, thinking to myself "Good God, this is great stuff! I'll be famous
any day now!" But then, the next morning when I was sober and suffering a hangover, I would listen to it again and it
sounded like some kind of large, angry mammal being stuffed into a sausage maker.
If this is the case, I would suggest a different guitar player. Or quit drinking. Or drink more before you
listen to it again.
If you do not believe this is the case, you're probably wrong. But maybe you should replace your recorder anyway.
If it still doesn't help, it probably means I was right in the first place, but you should look on the bright side: You've
got some new recording equipment!
A lot of people, myself included, are their own worst critics. They're never happy with the final results of their
work. However, one should never overlook the possibility that one is absolutely right, and whatever it is one has done
just plain sucks.
All the best,
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
It has been 6 months since Hershey Park closed for the season, and it doesn't open up until May. My problem
is, I find myself throwing my arms up in the air and running down the steps at breakneck speeds. What do you think my
problem is?
Signed,
Hopeless Vanhalenchick
A: Dear Hopeless Vanhalenchick,
This is an easy one. You need rollerblades and a helmet. You should probably make airplane noises, too, because
it's a lot more fun that way.
If these urges continue after Hershey Park re-opens, consult a professional at the park about it. They are easy to
find because they are usually wearing large foam heads and terrifying children. Those guys have the coolest job...
I wonder if they're hiring...
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
It burns when I pee. The girl I brought home the other night (sorry, I don't remember her name) says this
is normal, but I don't know if I should believe her. Is this normal? Oh, something else that might be worth mentioning,
my pee appears to be an odd shade of green. Again, is this normal?
Signed,
Fire in the Hole
A: Dear Fire in the Hole,
No. This is not normal. You should have remembered her name. I would suggest some kind of memory exercises
to help you retain more information.
Oh yeah, and you might want to put a bandage on that.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
I have been playing guitar for nearly 30 years now and have recently felt the urge to play the dumbs....sorry,
drums. The result of this feeling is that I have bought me one o' those Roland electronic kits. I was just wondering if this
urge is normal, or am I sick in some kind of way? (Don't answer that last bit TOOOOO specifically.)
Yours,
akc5150
A: Dear akc,
The urge to play drums is a normal one - one which I, myself, have had. Admittedly, I wasn't very good at it, but
that's not the point.
What is not normal is purchasing electronic drums. They are a terrible, horrible thing to happen to the music industry,
and they should have been eliminated after Flock of Seagulls disappeared off the face of the Earth. Alex Van Halen understood
this, and he stopped using them after one album.
The only person for which electronic drums ever did any good was Rick Allen, the drummer from Def Leppard who, after losing
an arm in an auto accident, actually became a better drummer, partly due to his custom-designed electronic drum kit.
And he eventually switched back to "real" drums, too.
Take back those electronic drums and trade them in for some good old-fashioned drums, and you'll feel a lot better about
the whole thing.
DCF
Q: Hey Doc,
Why are they called "midgets"?
Signed,
Zeus
A: Zeus,
Because it would be just plain silly to call them "biggins".
DCF
Q: Hey Doc,
I'm gonna test you with this one. See if you know.
Why are our veins bluish green, but blood is red?
Now don't you look this up on the internet!
Signed,
Duffer
A: Duffer,
Don't listen to all these so-called medical experts who think they know what they're talking about, even if they are right.
The whole purpose of this post was to get stupid answers, and if that was what you're looking for, I'm your man.
The reason the veins are blue is because each and every one of us has, over the course of millions of years of evolution,
slowly color-coded ourselves to make it easier for doctors to find things when they get us open. For proof, just go
get your encyclopedia - the volume with the cool plastic overlays - and have a look. It's all there.
This makes complete sense to me because, really, how useful would it be to your doctor to open you up for, say, a kidney
transplant, only to find that everything is all pink and squishy-looking? It would take forever to get you back together,
and the odds are something would end up wrong. Imagine the problems involved if the doctor accidentally connected your
intestines directly to your larynx from your stomach... Ick.
DCF
Q1: Dear Doc,
I have a problem with women. I have lots of women friends and am not a shy guy, but none of these women like
me, and they also never want to interact with me socially. Do I have a gland problem? Or is it more complicated
than that?
Signed,
Jacob5150
Q2: WOW! That was what I was gonna ask.
Signed,
Mr5150
A: Dear Jacob5150 and Mr5150,
First, are you two related? The same last name... I just figured... Oh, nevermind.
I'm going to be painfully frank and honest on this one, because you both clearly think this is a serious problem, and a
straight answer is what you need.
There are many males out there with female friends that will not "hook up" with them. I, myself, have the same problem.
The only difference is, I'm actually a terribly shy person in public (a real detriment to a working musician, but that's another
column).
However, the problem is more than likely not on your end. (Again, I am using myself as an example, and I'm certain
it's not me.) Women are strange and mysterious creatures that are prone to intense mood swings at the drop of a hat.
One moment, they're telling you what a great guy you are, and the next moment, shortly after you drop your pants and demand
to know whether "you want some of this good lovin', hot mamma?", they are pressing charges. No one knows why this is,
although many suggest a chemical imbalance.
So take heart, guys. It's not you. And one day, if you're lucky, you'll meet that perfect woman - the one who
will love you for who you are, and will utter those three words you long to hear: "Whipped cream? Okay..."
DCF
Q: Oh Doc,
I have crossed many oceans and lands far and wide to ask this one question. Please, oh please, don't let me down,
as that could cause grave damage! Why is there always only one shoe on the side of the road? Your infinite wisdom will
prevail.
Signed,
Wolfy
A: Wolfy,
Finally, an intelligent quesiton!
The reason there is only ever one shoe on the side of the road is because the other one is stuck in the grill of a car
belonging to an elderly, blue-haired woman from Miami who is driving along, totally oblivious to the fact that she just plowed
over a paperboy on his route - a quiet boy who built model airplanes, raised guinea pigs, was a Boy Scout, and was probably
about to go blind from all the masturbating he did (which would go a long way toward explaining why he didn't see the old
lady's car coming, although, in fairness, it should be noted that he probably wasn't expecting to see one on the sidewalk).
I hope this helps.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
Does it also have the 1 sock that mysteriously escaped the dryer? I HAVE TO KNOW!!!
Signed,
Spidey
A: Spidey,
This is a well-documented event that physicists have yet to explain. Shows what a load of know-nothing bozos they
are.
Socks are multi-dimensional creatures that have been enslaved by an enemy race, and forced into servitude here on Earth,
where they spend the better part of their lives covering those horrible, smelly things at the end of your legs. They
wish only to return to their homeworld, and are slowly doing just that, one at a time.
A dryer - especially a laundromat dryer - is a specially-designed portal that leads to a different dimension, where these
socks originally came from. The immense amount of power it would take to keep the vortex open long enough to let two
socks through would draw too much suspicion from humans, and so the socks go through one at a time in their attempt to get
away from you. The second sock to the pair usually develops a hole in the heel or toe to convince you to throw it away,
so it can escape to another laundromat, hide in someone else's laundry, and slip back to its own dimension undetected.
Shortly afterwards, the socks get back to their loved ones and continue to live a uniquely sockoid life, until the next
time they are captured, darned, and sent to Earth.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
I'm going through a hard period right now. I have eleven fingers, and a lot of biology books say that most people
have 10 fingers.
Could you help me?
Signed,
rock-billy
A: Dear rock-billy,
I could only help you with some hedge clippers and new gloves.
However, I think you're looking at this the wrong way. There are certain advantages to having that extra finger,
the most obvious of which is that you are able to count higher before having to take off your shoes and socks. Another
advantage would be a dramatic increase in your typing speed over those of us with only ten fingers.
Finally, let's not overlook the advantages the extra finger gives when playing guitar.
If the finger is on your fretting hand, your tapping will have that certain extra "something" that others' does not.
And you can play really complicated chords.
If it's on your picking hand, it will offer even more stability with fanning, as well as blindingly fast finger-picking.
Either way, you're looking at a bonus that's sure to improve your playing and impress the ladies who watch you play (which
leads to certain other advantages of that finger that I don't think I really need to cover here).
Lucky you!
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
What are you smoking while you're answering these questions? And can I get some of that?!
signed,
ht4evh2
A: Dear ht4evh2,
Just plain old regular cigarettes. I save the heroine for special occasions, usually those involving family.
Seriously, though, drugs are bad. I never touch them. Just imagine... I'm like this normally!!!
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
Whilst I'm here Doc, could you help me with the following problem which has plagued me for years?
Why do people put "Baby on Board" stickers in the window of their cars? Also, should I think ahead and get a "Sperm
on Board" sticker for my car?
Signed,
lee_budge
A: Dear lee_budge,
They put those signs there in the mistaken belief that deranged lunatics that are using their vehicles as projectiles will
see the words "Baby On Board" and swerve to avoid them. I do not, however, believe for a moment that it actually works.
In fact, I aim for them.
As to whether you should put a "Sperm On Board" sticker on your car, I doubt this would help either, but it might get the
attention of some women looking for a verile person such as yourself.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
Why can't people drive in the snow, rain, etc.? And why do people always think it's us women that can't drive,
when it's the idiot guy in the Jeep that goes flying by and you see in the ditch a little ways down the road?
Signed,
Road Rage
A: Dear Road Rage,
Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to these incompetents who can't drive in inclement weather. I was pointing
out to my roommate, Noodles, the other day that most of the people around here drive like they've never seen this mysterious
white substance before, even though it has clearly been snowing since November.
Women get blamed for the bad driving because if they take the blame upon themselves, certain male members (hee-hee... I
said "male members"...) of the masculine gender would suffer from terrible shinkage, thereby causing them to buy more sports
cars, and that's no way to live.
Just be glad that their karma is catching up with them as you scoot by at a reasonable 25 or 30 miles per hour on a slippery,
snowy day, they're having the "jaws of life" applied to their cars in order to get them out of the ditch.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
Does a bumble bee KNOW it's a bumble bee? And if so, how do you think it feels about that? Also, do you think
pollinating feels good?
Signed,
skyblue
A: Dear skyblue,
For a long time, it was believed that bumble bees were brick-stupid. This attitude, however, has changed in recent
years when it was discovered that they can count, and they keep track of the location of their hives by counting landmarks.
(This bit is actually true, believe it or not.)
With that in mind, I think it's fully possible that a bumble bee can think. However, the last thing that is probably
on its mind is just how it feels about the whole "I'm a bumble bee" issue. More than likely, it is probably thinking
"I like flowers" or something similar. These are small creatures, with proportionately small brains, so you can't really
cram a whole lot of philosophy in there. "I think, therefore I buzz" pretty much covers it for them.
As to your other question - unlike those other so-called experts, I will allow the odd extra question from time to time
- about pollenating, it tickles. A lot. That's why flowers are always droopy in the last few weeks of summer -
they're tired and weak from having spent the entire summer laughing.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
Do you think animal can think? And if so, what does an animal think? Could it be that an animal thinks that we
think that an animal can't think? If that's the case, then an animal can think; otherwise an animal wouldn't think that...
What do you think?
Signed,
lee_budge
A: Dear lee_budge,
After thinking about your thoughts on whether animals can think or not think, I thought I'd give you something to think
about. So here it is.
Animals are capable of thought, as we humans have proven. (To assume that humans are not animals would be ridiculous,
especially if you've ever seen Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's house.) However, the thought processes are different,
depending on species. For instance, a female human might think about things like what to make for dinner, what to wear
to work the next day, what sort of fun thing to do over the weekend with the hubby and the kids, etc. A female lioness
might, on the other hand, be more concerned with where to find something to kill so she can feed her cubs, where to take the
cubs so they will be warm for the night, etc.
A male lion will most likely be thinking one of these three things: "Food, Sleep, Sex". Whereas the human male has
a more complicated thought process. It goes like this: "Food, Sleep, Sex..." Well, that's it, really, but we think
harder about it.
Anyway, I think that's the end of my thought, so let me know what you think.
DCF
Q: Dear Doc,
I'm physically not capable of doing a lot of things , and I need a job to get money for guitar supplies and
stuff. What should I do?
Signed,
BeNRuS
A: Dear BeNRuS,
I suffer from the same problem, but in my case it is because I'm just lazy. In no way am I suggesting that you are.
This is a tough one. I would suggest a life of crime. If the physicality of it is too much of an issue, I still
think the opportunity is there. For instance, perhaps you could be a "Getaway Car Driver-for-Hire". No heavy lifting,
no strain, and it's a sit-down job! Perfect! There are always openings in different fields, if you just assert
yourself. Maybe cut off a mob boss's ear and mail it to his family to prove that you're a guy who can get stuff done.
Mobsters like someone with a Can Do attitude!
Good luck!
DCF
PS: I'm going to hell for this, aren't I?
The entire purpose of this site is to make people laugh. It's that simple. If you are looking for serious
information or help, or you need professional counseling, I would suggest going somewhere else, because all I can do is make
things worse.
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